So after all my advice, and your corresponding success in the sack, you’ve gotta be getting at least a little bored now. Or maybe you’re a sexual has-been, more jaded than a Japanese prostitute. But more probably your sex-life is still limping along like most of the Craccum incumbents. For this reason there’s still advice in this week’s column concerning “how to get some”, and spicing up your onanistic pursuits. These are the inevitable, and important, focus of anyone who isn’t getting any, but I’m yanking on the reins and trying to get you all heading in a more advanced direction. (See the bottom of the column for advice on wanking and getting laid).
Judging from this week’s submissions, Craccum writers consider spicing things up involves faking it, some poo and wee, and sad attempts to get sexual access to women via poetry, and by “letting her win”. If any evidence was required that the sexual revolution has taken a rather convoluted turn and ended up in a disused siding near Alexandra, Craccum could put up its collective hand and scream “pick me, pick me” without fear of failure. Women of Auckland University – hear my plea and slither forth from the woodwork. There are men here in dire need of your help. After some consideration I’ve excluded the scatalogical material submitted this week. It’s a woman’s prerogative. If you’re into poo sex, that’s absolutely ok, but I’m going with the majority on this one…..
Ok, so there’s a bunch of stuff to consider here, and we’ve included only a light smattering of suggestions. Lets say you’re reached a point where some routine has set in. Things are all functioning well, both parties are satisfied, but you’re thirsting for variety.
Option:
"G-I-M-P S-U-I-T
If she's not doing it for you already, start to slap yourself around, crying out lines like "Take it like a man," and "Fuck me up, bitch!"
Or alternative roleplay with outfits. The French maid, the policeman, nuns, whatever. There’s a suggestion of domination and submission, but nothing at the fetish level (where you need the particular presence of, say a whip, to achieve orgasm).
Pros: it’s forbidden and therefore exciting, it’s sort of like having sex with an entirely different person, it can be very funny and therefore fun and it can bring you closer because it’s something only the two of you share.
Cons: it’s expensive, requires a level of privacy that’s virtually impossible while flatting (walking in on my flatmate getting if from behind in a maid’s outfit isn’t high on my list of priorities, for example), can be intimidating and impossible to get or stay in character, thus killing the mood, and it’s essentially pretty ridiculous, which isn’t that sexy if you start thinking about it. Plus it’s a lot of work. Although one of my workmates at a previous job used to call me “the dominatrix”, I know that sort of situation would quickly devolve to me getting bored and suggesting the other party spank themselves.
Related:
Lingerie & display
Burlesque/stripping/performance
Pros: it’s great for guys who typically love to watch and are easily stimulated visually, and great for girls who love to perform, or who love to be objectified, or who get a kick out of seeing their partners get really hot and knowing they’re in control of that. Think Marilyn Manson and Dita von Teese. Burlesque is the new black.
Cons: It’s the usual sexist configuration of man watching, woman being an object (yawn). Lots of girls are going to be waaahay too self-conscious of their bodies to even contemplate going there, and I’m not so sure about the visual appeal of hairy arse-cheeks in a thong if the traditional roles are reversed. Women are also typically far less easily visually stimulated than men, so, generally speaking, this may not necessarily be heralded by female partners with much joy. Ask first.
Option:
Toys (and roleplay). Shop together. Dvice on Ponsonby are friendly, helpful and not at all sleazy, and there’s always the option of the internet. Or you can just use whatever you’ve got lying around at home:
"My partner and I often enact battles between GI Joes and Transformers to get ourselves worked up. However, if you don't want to get into the dog box, it pays to let her win from time to time.
We're trying to transcend the Manichean good/evil dichotomy, by pitting the forces of 'good' against each other. It's important to recognise that conflict is not borne out of inherent 'goodness' or 'evilness' of the opposing groups, but by competing interests and weltenschaung, and that characterising the 'villains' of the piece with names such as 'Cobra' and 'Decepticonz' can only distort or submerge their motivations for going into battle. Rather, we prefer to recognise that life is not as simple as our childhood toys would have us believe, and that the tendency towards human conflict should not be repressed, but explored while recognising that both sides may well have valid points of view. This model, while imperfect and open to charges of moral relativism, has nevertheless allowed us to accommodate a much broader understanding of conflict throughout history, and in the contemporary world. Initially, we had plans to include smurfs to represent pacifist movements, but I lost Brainy Smurf when I moved flats, and the rest of them couldn't organise. Needless to say, we find this very, very sexy."
Pros: if your partner is just missing the spot, this is a great way to correct the issue. It’s something you can do together, it’s bound to be stimulating, and when and if the relationship ends, you’ve got a little friend to tide you over the break.
Cons: can be expensive, cheap sex-toys are pretty disappointing, buying over the net may result in related spam from now till the end of time, and the use of anything not specifically designed as a sex toy can result in injury. Where exactly did brainy smurf get lost again?
Option:
Both parties can study (manuals, porno flicks and mags, “romance” novels) and compose a list of everything each of you didn’t even know existed that you want to try.
Pros: it’s horny reading about or watching sex. And it gives you time to think about what you might want to do and get nice and worked up. You’ll learn about anatomy and your own body and probably have better sex than before and into the future. If your partner has wildly different ideas there’s going to be lots of hot stuff to choose from.
Cons: not so great if you haven’t got anyone to do it with (see comments on solo sex below if you get desperate). Watching porn can be an ambivalent experience if you’re an old-school feminist or have a religious moral code that frowns on fornication. If your partner has wildly different ideas things might not meet in the middle.
Option:
Mood music
"Playing Alanis Morissette always gets me going. That nasal yodel of hers is eternally a summons to all my foolish blood.
I find singing Carpenters songs while beating your partner with a bag of oranges can be quite arousing (gaining consent first is important, naturally)."
Pros: Music covers up rutting noises or the sound of oranges hitting tender flesh which can be embarrassing to have played back at high volume by vengeful, sleep-deprived flatties. Adds a certain extra emotional dimension to the experience.
Cons: the emotional dimension isn’t always good: random play of mp3s off computers or ipods can turn up nasty little surprises like a song that reminds you of your Dad, or your ex. No orgasms all round.
And finally what to do if spicing things up is simply not as crucial as actually achieving congress? If you’re still desperately trying to access a girl’s knicker-enclosed areas, the following might get her attention, although by the time everyone on campus has read it, she’s gunna know it’s not her boobs that were the inspiring factor.
"What better way to spice up a life of sex than with the art of poesy? Everyone knows verse gets all the girls wet. Just look at Lord Byron. Even his own sister, Augusta, couldn't resist him... and he had a club foot! Try out this little number on the one whom you would inveigle. This verse form (6 lines, 8 syllables each, rhymed ababcc ) is what the Spanish call sextilla . No shit. SEXtilla! So enjoy...
I love you so, from head to toes
I love your legs, I love your lips
I love your knees, I love your nose
I love the way you shake your hips
I love you. Will you love me back?
Cos most of all I love your rack
by Sextilla The Hun"
Rating:
**** if used on a girl from off-campus, provided you’ve got the nads to dish it up in person or in a letter with your own name on it.
* if used on someone from AU.
***** if you’re a girl and you want to seduce an English major of either gender.
Replace the last line with “I want to get you in the sack” for male love-objects.
"Listen to your flatmates doing it through the wall."
And join in with your own solo show.
"Solo sex-life! Yeah! Let's not forget about that. Depict object of desire on your mattress (with paints or pastels) in their full, unexpurgated glory. Unexpurgated! Having one off the wrist was never so much fun! Yeah!"
Sigh. Yeah.
Next week: period sex pros and cons. Write in and let me know your thoughts.
auntiekandy@blogspot.com
Friday, June 16, 2006
Saturday, May 20, 2006
12/04/06 The pros and cons of Brazilian waxing. To wax or not to wax - that is the question.
After a conversation with an old school friend at a party I began to question my feminist position on the brazilian bikini wax. “Why knock it if you haven’t got the bottle to try it” was the question at issue. And it’s true – it’s hard to comment on the pros of actually having one without actually having one. The cons are much easier to spot from this more heavily-vegetated side of the fence. Craccum writers have been strangely silent on the issue, possibly because most of them are busy spending their cash on jeans and beer and at least half of that equation is preventing them getting laid anyway (see post from March 8 for info on the evils of brewers droop), so why bother to fork out:
Whether any potential partner of mine waxes or not is totally inconsequential. For me, as with anyone in such an abject state, things like sanity, limbs or a pulse are mere fripperies when it comes to turn-ons/offs.
Sometimes a brazilian is just de-guilding the lily, really.
For the uninitiated - a brazilian wax is the removable of all of the hair from the pubic region of a man or a woman, from the butt to the front, usually except for a bit over the pubic bone. Wikipedia says the “procedure involves the complete removal of hair from the buttocks and adjacent to the anus, perineum and vulva (labia majora and mons pubis)”. What that means in practice is having hot wax applied to successive 3 by 5cm areas, then a strip of cloth put over it, and then having the whole lot yanked off so the hairs come out at the root (stragglers are tweezed). That includes what’s between the legs, and around the anus, so many women describe the experience as being rather like a trip to the gynaecologist. Apparently there’s a lot of lying on your back with your legs in the air or down on all fours with your bum sticking out. The process takes between 15 and 30 minutes. In the states having the whole lot off is often called the Hollywood. A regular Brazilian involves leaving a landing strip or thin strip of hair at the front. There is also trimming of what’s left, and some people get it dyed and trimmed into a particular shape or purchase a merkin (that is a pubic wig – I kid you not) to further decorate the area.
The brazilian seems to have begun its life in the affluent west via America and the now fairly infamous New York salon run by the “J-sisters” , seven sisters from Brazil whose first names really all do begin with J. Gwyneth Paltrow said of them “you changed my life”.
According to internet accounts Brazilian was made popular in Brazil because women wear g-string-style bikinis there all the time and having pubic hair peeking is quote unquote, the most embarrassing thing any woman could ever do.
The “g-string” theory holds up anecdotally - a completely different school friend from the one above went to Brazil on exchange in 7th form and I can confirm that her NZ togs were a source of continual amusement to her host family. Her mother constructed her a “thong” on the family sewing machine so the other kids wouldn’t laugh and point and they strung up her old togs on the living room wall for ongoing hilarity. However further net reports suggest that some Brazilian women (older and middle-class perhaps) have never heard of the practice. At all. In any case the volume of material on the net indicates many American women and more and more men are now totally into the brazilian wax.
According to friends who’ve had a braziian, the pros include feeling aroused straight after having it done because lots of blood goes to the area which is in a state of injured shock, feeling breezy and sexy while walking around, feeling clean because there’s no hair, feeling dirty because the genitals look pre-pubescent and forbidden, and having better sex – apparently Eva Longoria never had an orgasm till she got a brazilian. My flatmate told me this and I thought it sounded so impossible I looked – and it’s there on the net in black and white . However much you can trust the net of course. Mind you according to first hand accounts on one site, male experiences of having a brazilian include having an orgasm on completion. And the description given is detailed enough to seem believable. How weird for the beautician involved – almost like being paid for rendering a sexual service….
http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif half-way down the page
Craccum writers weight in:
For fuck's sake if you are going to insist on tearing out your pubes, get someone experienced to do it. Unless you really like tearing, bleeding, and extreme bruising. That is all.
I can’t comment on this from the perspective of someone who's had a brazillian but having had a regular bikini wax I’d say yup – the area is pretty bloody delicate and messing with it yourself is tricky.
A male perspective on the female version (I think):
Brazilians (NOT SHAVING) are mandatory, for a number of reasons:
1. The vulva feels seductively pre-pubescent
(see below)
2. Waxed girls get wet with relatively little effort (the cause of which is still a mystery to modern science)
(I haven’t been able to confirm or deny if or how this is true. Eva wasn’t very forthcoming. Anyone is welcome to email in with a comment).
3. The girl involved does not get scratchy pubes shoved up her vagina
(There are other ways to avoid this)
4. The guy involved does not get pubes stuck in his teeth before dinner with her parents
(floss anyone?)
5. No longer do you need to laboriously comb dried cum from the locality of the mons veneris
(Try showering – it’s all water soluble)
6. Shaving leads to stubble, which leads to a sore penis
(Shaving can also lead to a rash which leads to stubble….rashes and stubble are not good from just about anyone’s perspective)
Additional Craccum comment - Um. Waxing leads to stubble too. And more ingrown hairs.
(oh I hear you on the ingrowns – they’re bad enough on your legs let alone anywhere else. And it’s not like you can see to dig them out)
7. Vaginas are hot. They are best observed in their full glory.
Look – I have to say this – technically the vagina is the area inside. The outside bit is the vulva, including all the lips or labia, clithoris and hair. Maybe vulvas look better without hair – and that depends entirely on your perspective – but vaginas per se never had any to start with.
I like looking like a 12 year old boy.
Preference for acomoclitism or hairless genitals is not about paedophilia, apparently. It’s about the general trend for femininity - as depicted in everything from greek statues to renaissance art to porn films - to be bald as an egg. Except on the head. Although the forbidden fruit factor must have something to do with it – only young people have no pubic hair. This is something that feminists have had a bee in their bonnets about for ages. If you sit and think about it for a minute, it is kind of weird that what’s normal for a body to make for itself isn’t what’s normal socially. Humans are weird, self-aware animals and we’ve been removing or adding something to change how we look since prehistoric times. It’s the way that we do it that has political overtones, depending on your point of view.
Messing with one’s pubes has an autoerotic, self-conscious quality – even a regular bikini wax had the affect of reminding me constantly of my primary erogenous zone and that made me horny. But there was also that fact of knowing I looked more like a porn star than before, even if it wasn’t the full monty. It’s the idea of the wax as much as the practice of it that counts, and how that idea relates to ideas that are already in the world about what’s sexy. No hair has become so de rigeur that it’s simply unacceptable to have any hanging out while swimming in public and less and less acceptable to have any in the bedroom.
Now - sexism is an entire vast topic all to itself but ponder this: given that a brazilian starts at around $50 and gets more expensive from there, the people who get it done – mostly women - are losing out financially. If they took the money they would have spent on brazilian waxing every four weeks and invested it they’d be a lot better off. Particularly given that men can still expect to earn higher salaries and spend less on altering their bodies to be more socially acceptable.
However, if I told that to Eva Longoria, I bet I know what she’d say.
Whether any potential partner of mine waxes or not is totally inconsequential. For me, as with anyone in such an abject state, things like sanity, limbs or a pulse are mere fripperies when it comes to turn-ons/offs.
Sometimes a brazilian is just de-guilding the lily, really.
For the uninitiated - a brazilian wax is the removable of all of the hair from the pubic region of a man or a woman, from the butt to the front, usually except for a bit over the pubic bone. Wikipedia says the “procedure involves the complete removal of hair from the buttocks and adjacent to the anus, perineum and vulva (labia majora and mons pubis)”. What that means in practice is having hot wax applied to successive 3 by 5cm areas, then a strip of cloth put over it, and then having the whole lot yanked off so the hairs come out at the root (stragglers are tweezed). That includes what’s between the legs, and around the anus, so many women describe the experience as being rather like a trip to the gynaecologist. Apparently there’s a lot of lying on your back with your legs in the air or down on all fours with your bum sticking out. The process takes between 15 and 30 minutes. In the states having the whole lot off is often called the Hollywood. A regular Brazilian involves leaving a landing strip or thin strip of hair at the front. There is also trimming of what’s left, and some people get it dyed and trimmed into a particular shape or purchase a merkin (that is a pubic wig – I kid you not) to further decorate the area.
The brazilian seems to have begun its life in the affluent west via America and the now fairly infamous New York salon run by the “J-sisters” , seven sisters from Brazil whose first names really all do begin with J. Gwyneth Paltrow said of them “you changed my life”.
According to internet accounts Brazilian was made popular in Brazil because women wear g-string-style bikinis there all the time and having pubic hair peeking is quote unquote, the most embarrassing thing any woman could ever do.
The “g-string” theory holds up anecdotally - a completely different school friend from the one above went to Brazil on exchange in 7th form and I can confirm that her NZ togs were a source of continual amusement to her host family. Her mother constructed her a “thong” on the family sewing machine so the other kids wouldn’t laugh and point and they strung up her old togs on the living room wall for ongoing hilarity. However further net reports suggest that some Brazilian women (older and middle-class perhaps) have never heard of the practice. At all. In any case the volume of material on the net indicates many American women and more and more men are now totally into the brazilian wax.
According to friends who’ve had a braziian, the pros include feeling aroused straight after having it done because lots of blood goes to the area which is in a state of injured shock, feeling breezy and sexy while walking around, feeling clean because there’s no hair, feeling dirty because the genitals look pre-pubescent and forbidden, and having better sex – apparently Eva Longoria never had an orgasm till she got a brazilian. My flatmate told me this and I thought it sounded so impossible I looked – and it’s there on the net in black and white . However much you can trust the net of course. Mind you according to first hand accounts on one site, male experiences of having a brazilian include having an orgasm on completion. And the description given is detailed enough to seem believable. How weird for the beautician involved – almost like being paid for rendering a sexual service….
http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif half-way down the page
Craccum writers weight in:
For fuck's sake if you are going to insist on tearing out your pubes, get someone experienced to do it. Unless you really like tearing, bleeding, and extreme bruising. That is all.
I can’t comment on this from the perspective of someone who's had a brazillian but having had a regular bikini wax I’d say yup – the area is pretty bloody delicate and messing with it yourself is tricky.
A male perspective on the female version (I think):
Brazilians (NOT SHAVING) are mandatory, for a number of reasons:
1. The vulva feels seductively pre-pubescent
(see below)
2. Waxed girls get wet with relatively little effort (the cause of which is still a mystery to modern science)
(I haven’t been able to confirm or deny if or how this is true. Eva wasn’t very forthcoming. Anyone is welcome to email in with a comment).
3. The girl involved does not get scratchy pubes shoved up her vagina
(There are other ways to avoid this)
4. The guy involved does not get pubes stuck in his teeth before dinner with her parents
(floss anyone?)
5. No longer do you need to laboriously comb dried cum from the locality of the mons veneris
(Try showering – it’s all water soluble)
6. Shaving leads to stubble, which leads to a sore penis
(Shaving can also lead to a rash which leads to stubble….rashes and stubble are not good from just about anyone’s perspective)
Additional Craccum comment - Um. Waxing leads to stubble too. And more ingrown hairs.
(oh I hear you on the ingrowns – they’re bad enough on your legs let alone anywhere else. And it’s not like you can see to dig them out)
7. Vaginas are hot. They are best observed in their full glory.
Look – I have to say this – technically the vagina is the area inside. The outside bit is the vulva, including all the lips or labia, clithoris and hair. Maybe vulvas look better without hair – and that depends entirely on your perspective – but vaginas per se never had any to start with.
I like looking like a 12 year old boy.
Preference for acomoclitism or hairless genitals is not about paedophilia, apparently. It’s about the general trend for femininity - as depicted in everything from greek statues to renaissance art to porn films - to be bald as an egg. Except on the head. Although the forbidden fruit factor must have something to do with it – only young people have no pubic hair. This is something that feminists have had a bee in their bonnets about for ages. If you sit and think about it for a minute, it is kind of weird that what’s normal for a body to make for itself isn’t what’s normal socially. Humans are weird, self-aware animals and we’ve been removing or adding something to change how we look since prehistoric times. It’s the way that we do it that has political overtones, depending on your point of view.
Messing with one’s pubes has an autoerotic, self-conscious quality – even a regular bikini wax had the affect of reminding me constantly of my primary erogenous zone and that made me horny. But there was also that fact of knowing I looked more like a porn star than before, even if it wasn’t the full monty. It’s the idea of the wax as much as the practice of it that counts, and how that idea relates to ideas that are already in the world about what’s sexy. No hair has become so de rigeur that it’s simply unacceptable to have any hanging out while swimming in public and less and less acceptable to have any in the bedroom.
Now - sexism is an entire vast topic all to itself but ponder this: given that a brazilian starts at around $50 and gets more expensive from there, the people who get it done – mostly women - are losing out financially. If they took the money they would have spent on brazilian waxing every four weeks and invested it they’d be a lot better off. Particularly given that men can still expect to earn higher salaries and spend less on altering their bodies to be more socially acceptable.
However, if I told that to Eva Longoria, I bet I know what she’d say.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
05/04/06 Relationships mean better sex
This week’s column asks how does one get into a relationship in the name of better sex? Unsurprisingly Craccum contributors have, for the most part, been somewhat puzzled by the question, although some of that is my fault for not posing it earlier. On holiday, and engaged in a heady rush of sex, booze and rock ‘n’ roll I forgot to let them know till the last minute.
Now, strictly speaking, this is a sex advice column rather than a diatribe on relationships, but it behoves me to at least pose the concept of a relationship as a good place in which to practice the art of sex. Much as the sight of couples engaged in abandoned and public displays of affection generally gives me a protestant moment, I’ve never forgotten the time a very inebriated but nevertheless sincere boyfriend of a friend of mine leaned over the arm of his chair at a party and told me how “it just gets better”. I wasn’t drunk enough to probe for further details but like I said last week, knowing there’s going to be another chance to get it right can take the pressure off. Plus practicing is usually pretty fun, and liking or (dare I say) even loving the person you’re with is quite a motivating factor in the pursuit of skill. You want to give them a good time so you’ll be more willing to go the extra mile, and when they suggest that maid’s outfit or a stick-on moustache you won’t be as quick to dismiss the suggestion as the ravings of lunatic or 60s-style chauvinist.
So – some suggestions on how to attain the hallowed state of relationship..
"I can certainly extol the charms of the girlnextdoor. In a student
situation, the one cardinal sin is screwing the crew - an impulse that
looks fine at the time (and as Oscar Wilde once said, the best way to
beat a temptation is to surrender to it). You're out drinking with them, they're already going home with you. You’re comfortable under a duvet with them, and you know what all their knickers look like. But nothing seeds disharmony like it. Either it doesn't work out, and the flatting relationship
disintegrates into violence, or it does and the flat dynamic changes
to The Couple vs. everyone else. Far better is the girlnextdoor.
She's a known evil, you've seen her knickers on the line and probably
have friends in common. You get invited to their parties, and they to yours. And, if everything else fails there's always Andre 3000's old standby "Lend me some sugar, I *am* your neighbor".
This is obviously only going to work if you live in a flat in a fairly studently populated area like Grey Lynn, or if you’re in Railway Campus or International House. Unless you like someone older – which can be a great way to have better sex of course. As far as that goes, I’d advise leaving anyone who already has a partner out of it – nothing’s going to kill the mood like getting hauled off your chosen one by an angry executive – those heels are killers. And for those with neighbours in Auckland Girls’ uniforms – not a likely place to get good sex but at least keep it legal if you fall irretrievably. Additional ways to start a neighbourly interaction once you’ve spotted your target: go and ask if they’ve seen your cat, suggest car-pooling to campus, observe what time they leave for the bus and time your exits to match, try to engage them in conversation over the fence while hanging out your washing and find out which bars they like to go to, or even better – spot them at Shadows and get chatting. This might well lead on to taking a cab home or walking there together. At this point ask if you can call round the next day or later in the week, and then, having hinted at your intention to try a relationship rather than a one-night stand, head virtuously home to plan your next move.
"Tutorials are a good way to meet people you might have something in common with. They kind of limit your scope to geeks and brains because who else ever goes to tutorials, but if you’re in a tutorial you’re probably like that anyway. And at least you will have had the opportunity to talk to them and hear their opinions so you know if you like them or not, plus it’s always easy to suggest coffee after a tut."
The best thing about this approach is that if it doesn’t work out, you can get out of it by acting like you were just trying to make friends and no hard feelings. It’s the risk-free alternative. It could also potentially be extended to lectures if you don’t attend tuts – go up to the person you want to get to know better and ask if you can borrow their notes from last week because you missed class. This works best if you were actually away – if they’ve noticed you at all it and your cover is blown it’ll be red faces all round, and not in a good way.
We move now from the precise pick-your target approach to the “scatter-gun” technique:
"Sit on the Shadows balcony and eye up every guy/girl you find attractive. After weeks of constant attention, many of them will develop immense crushes on you, and some of them may even be vaguely normal. Don't go for the normal ones; they'll be lame in bed. Go for the attractive but unsettling types. They will cry out your name as they straddle you ecstatically, beating you about for the whole duration. Hot. They will often be great vegetarian cooks also; a distinct bonus if you wish to pursue a long-term affair."
Strictly for self-deluded vegetarians and those who like to be removed from the bar for stalking. If only it was that easy…..
"I have found that self-image reflects confidence, which reflects being comfortable with oneself, which reflects sexuality. Perhaps the key issue is to find a partner who is relaxed and reasonably comfortable with themselves. Being well informed of sexual practices probably will also help."
It’s true prep is important – you can’t have a really good relationship with someone if you feel shit about yourself, and having good sex under those circumstances is pretty damn difficult too. Plus you should put some thought into the sort of person you want to be with – there’s no good pursuing your target because they’re hot, and then finding out that they’re a crazed tropical-fish enthusiast with whom you have nothing in common except first-year physics on a Wednesday afternoon.
"Oh yeah, and love probably helps here too. Love was invented so that babies get made and looked after. That God guy was pretty clever."
Well, I vote for love but its purpose depends entirely on your point of view…
"Love was invented in the 17th Century in order to maintain and perpetuate a capitalist, bourgeois social order. God was invented in the pre-Christian era in order to maintain and perpetuate despotic feudalism."
"Cough* Wankers *Cough* Mmm, excuse me, got a bit of a cold."
These people should all have a nice chat over a coffee after Philosophy 207 and try and get to know each other better….
"Isn't asking Craccum contributors for relationship advice like asking eskimos for tips on growing pineapples?"
"Ha! So true. We're the worst."
"Speak for yourselves. I have horrible difficulty staying single. I'm terrible at it."
"I think that a good old-fashioned orgy up at the Craccum offices will sort everyone out"
Look – with the right training I’m sure an Eskimo Innuit in fact, could give impressive tips for growing pineapples. Humans are nothing if not adaptable. As far as the orgy I’ll leave it to Ryan to set the date. And as far as a relationship goes – take your Auntie Kandy’s advice and don’t try and get to know anyone better while you’re swopping keys wihttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifth them.
Next week, and on a completely different note: The brazilian wax – to have or not to have – that is the question. Send your comments to:
auntiekandy@gmail.com
K
Now, strictly speaking, this is a sex advice column rather than a diatribe on relationships, but it behoves me to at least pose the concept of a relationship as a good place in which to practice the art of sex. Much as the sight of couples engaged in abandoned and public displays of affection generally gives me a protestant moment, I’ve never forgotten the time a very inebriated but nevertheless sincere boyfriend of a friend of mine leaned over the arm of his chair at a party and told me how “it just gets better”. I wasn’t drunk enough to probe for further details but like I said last week, knowing there’s going to be another chance to get it right can take the pressure off. Plus practicing is usually pretty fun, and liking or (dare I say) even loving the person you’re with is quite a motivating factor in the pursuit of skill. You want to give them a good time so you’ll be more willing to go the extra mile, and when they suggest that maid’s outfit or a stick-on moustache you won’t be as quick to dismiss the suggestion as the ravings of lunatic or 60s-style chauvinist.
So – some suggestions on how to attain the hallowed state of relationship..
"I can certainly extol the charms of the girlnextdoor. In a student
situation, the one cardinal sin is screwing the crew - an impulse that
looks fine at the time (and as Oscar Wilde once said, the best way to
beat a temptation is to surrender to it). You're out drinking with them, they're already going home with you. You’re comfortable under a duvet with them, and you know what all their knickers look like. But nothing seeds disharmony like it. Either it doesn't work out, and the flatting relationship
disintegrates into violence, or it does and the flat dynamic changes
to The Couple vs. everyone else. Far better is the girlnextdoor.
She's a known evil, you've seen her knickers on the line and probably
have friends in common. You get invited to their parties, and they to yours. And, if everything else fails there's always Andre 3000's old standby "Lend me some sugar, I *am* your neighbor".
This is obviously only going to work if you live in a flat in a fairly studently populated area like Grey Lynn, or if you’re in Railway Campus or International House. Unless you like someone older – which can be a great way to have better sex of course. As far as that goes, I’d advise leaving anyone who already has a partner out of it – nothing’s going to kill the mood like getting hauled off your chosen one by an angry executive – those heels are killers. And for those with neighbours in Auckland Girls’ uniforms – not a likely place to get good sex but at least keep it legal if you fall irretrievably. Additional ways to start a neighbourly interaction once you’ve spotted your target: go and ask if they’ve seen your cat, suggest car-pooling to campus, observe what time they leave for the bus and time your exits to match, try to engage them in conversation over the fence while hanging out your washing and find out which bars they like to go to, or even better – spot them at Shadows and get chatting. This might well lead on to taking a cab home or walking there together. At this point ask if you can call round the next day or later in the week, and then, having hinted at your intention to try a relationship rather than a one-night stand, head virtuously home to plan your next move.
"Tutorials are a good way to meet people you might have something in common with. They kind of limit your scope to geeks and brains because who else ever goes to tutorials, but if you’re in a tutorial you’re probably like that anyway. And at least you will have had the opportunity to talk to them and hear their opinions so you know if you like them or not, plus it’s always easy to suggest coffee after a tut."
The best thing about this approach is that if it doesn’t work out, you can get out of it by acting like you were just trying to make friends and no hard feelings. It’s the risk-free alternative. It could also potentially be extended to lectures if you don’t attend tuts – go up to the person you want to get to know better and ask if you can borrow their notes from last week because you missed class. This works best if you were actually away – if they’ve noticed you at all it and your cover is blown it’ll be red faces all round, and not in a good way.
We move now from the precise pick-your target approach to the “scatter-gun” technique:
"Sit on the Shadows balcony and eye up every guy/girl you find attractive. After weeks of constant attention, many of them will develop immense crushes on you, and some of them may even be vaguely normal. Don't go for the normal ones; they'll be lame in bed. Go for the attractive but unsettling types. They will cry out your name as they straddle you ecstatically, beating you about for the whole duration. Hot. They will often be great vegetarian cooks also; a distinct bonus if you wish to pursue a long-term affair."
Strictly for self-deluded vegetarians and those who like to be removed from the bar for stalking. If only it was that easy…..
"I have found that self-image reflects confidence, which reflects being comfortable with oneself, which reflects sexuality. Perhaps the key issue is to find a partner who is relaxed and reasonably comfortable with themselves. Being well informed of sexual practices probably will also help."
It’s true prep is important – you can’t have a really good relationship with someone if you feel shit about yourself, and having good sex under those circumstances is pretty damn difficult too. Plus you should put some thought into the sort of person you want to be with – there’s no good pursuing your target because they’re hot, and then finding out that they’re a crazed tropical-fish enthusiast with whom you have nothing in common except first-year physics on a Wednesday afternoon.
"Oh yeah, and love probably helps here too. Love was invented so that babies get made and looked after. That God guy was pretty clever."
Well, I vote for love but its purpose depends entirely on your point of view…
"Love was invented in the 17th Century in order to maintain and perpetuate a capitalist, bourgeois social order. God was invented in the pre-Christian era in order to maintain and perpetuate despotic feudalism."
"Cough* Wankers *Cough* Mmm, excuse me, got a bit of a cold."
These people should all have a nice chat over a coffee after Philosophy 207 and try and get to know each other better….
"Isn't asking Craccum contributors for relationship advice like asking eskimos for tips on growing pineapples?"
"Ha! So true. We're the worst."
"Speak for yourselves. I have horrible difficulty staying single. I'm terrible at it."
"I think that a good old-fashioned orgy up at the Craccum offices will sort everyone out"
Look – with the right training I’m sure an Eskimo Innuit in fact, could give impressive tips for growing pineapples. Humans are nothing if not adaptable. As far as the orgy I’ll leave it to Ryan to set the date. And as far as a relationship goes – take your Auntie Kandy’s advice and don’t try and get to know anyone better while you’re swopping keys wihttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifth them.
Next week, and on a completely different note: The brazilian wax – to have or not to have – that is the question. Send your comments to:
auntiekandy@gmail.com
K
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
29/03/06 That foreplay issue - it's a bit sensitive really
Ok, maybe last week I was on a crusade. Maybe I still am. Foreplay possums - an end in itself, but also a great arena for having a good time without too many of the complications of contraception, conception or disease prevention. This week we present tips and tricks from readers, from Craccum staff and from random students at Otago University, who have plumbed the depths of their own locked and loaded experiences in the deep (but not uncomfortably so) south.
To set the mood here’s a few tips:
"The best time for foreplay for me was in high-school. I had a few boyfriends from fifteen on, and I had a good time. Tthere wasn’t the same inevitability about actually having sex, so there was more of a focus on getting the fooling around part to work. My favourite thing was getting oral and the person putting a finger into my twat at the same time. I still really like this option now that I’m actually having sex. I also really like giving hand-jobs cos they’re much easier to do than blow-jobs and I really like watching the person I’m with getting off. That makes me seriously horny."
….get a little more advanced…..time for some show and tell:
"Foreplay is about pleasing and pleasuring your partner, getting them wet/hard and ready for a good lovemaking session. The best way to ensure that you have pleasurable foreplay is to learn what your partner likes and how they like it. No one knows how to pleasure themselves quite like, well.....themselves really, so if you want to learn how to push their buttons to the maximum effect get them to masturbate in front of you. Watch how they stroke, at what pace, any particular flicks of the wrist or finger, how they hold/stroke it. When giving them a blowjob/handjob/going down on them/finger-fucking try to re-create what you saw."
If the thought of delivering a floorshow is just a bit on the porn-star side for your delicate sensibilities skip that part. Ve haf vays of making you talk……
" don't be afraid to ask them, "Does that feel good?", or "How do you want me to suck your dick/lick your pussy". Don't be afraid to use explicit language, it'll get you in the mood. Bad foreplay and bad sex are often caused by lack of communication. People lie there 'putting up' with something that isn't doing it for them out of fear of hurting their partners feelings. If you learn how to go about it the right way you will be able to ask for anything or tell them exactly how you want to be pleasured. Girls: If he's lapping at it like a dog at it's bowl and it's just not working for you, tell him in your most sexy voice, "Ooh, flick your tounge harder on my clit" or "INSERT WHATEVER TURNS YOU ON HERE". Guys: If she's licking it like an icecream when you really want her to suck it like a vacum cleaner, tell her, "Ooh yeah, really suck hard on it, give it some pressure". Never EVER use negative words in bed, like, "Hmm, that doesn't feel too good, could you try.....", It'll just upset them and kill the mood. Let your partner know you are enjoying it and encourage them to try new techniques."
Communication has to be the key to getting off. If you’re so rigid with embarrassment you really can’t talk at all, you can try the time-honoured indirect technique of moaning and moving when it’s working and shutting up and going still when it sucks. If this is you, however let me say - I’ve lain underneath various lotharios thinking “I don’t even know what to suggest this is so crap” and consequently saying nothing while acting like the proverbial sack of spuds, which was mmm-mmm appealing for everyone concerned. Direct communication is the most reliable way to have a good time, but you can work up to it. Practising with someone you like and respect instead of some grogan from the floor at closing time has its advantages. Truly, my experiences of utterly passionless foreplay with virtual strangers have lead me towards the virtues of sex in a relationship where you get to practise techniques continuously for longer periods with less pressure to perform perfectly each time.
And if you do have the chance to practice – why not try some tricks??
"Wrap your guy's dick in tinfoil and wrap your lips/mouth around it, hum gently.
(Does this work for Gladwrap too?)
No, it doesn't."
Possums, should you add this to your foreplay repetoire, I’d watch your fillings – remember how nasty a foil-meets-filling experience can be. Not that you should be using your teeth of course.
Last week’s Lothario appears to be back with the following:
"All foreplay begins with ambience. A romantic setting, perhaps some candles, Kenny G on the stereo -- the seduction must begin hours before the sex. Personally, I suggest that you decorate your boudoir with both phallic and yonic imagery. Large photographs of skyscrapers, contrasted with paintings of butterflies, will suggest a sophisticated contrast between a built and natural world; this will give you an air of sophistication in home decoration, and at the same time operate suggestively on the unconscious mind….."
An ex and I once discussed what might be a deal-breaker at the point where you enter your partner’s room for the first time. His was a hard-cover first edition of The Da vinci Code. Mine was, well. Kenny G on the CD rack. I’ve also never responded particularly well to the idea that women are more closely related to the natural world, since this smacks of Hellenistic misogyny. Get with the programme. How about something more up-to-date, like Eminem or a Pirelli Calendar? Nothing gets me more in the mood than a guy on the stereo ranting about killing his ex or potential comparisons with unrealistically attractive women.
" …..Also, musical instruments have long been associated with sexuality in the Western imagination, and should play some role in getting things going. This can be done through decorations -- a nice picture of an electric guitar will provide the perfect phallic object."
It’s true - guitars have it, if you can play them (I did entertain a brief career as groupie once and I blame it all on the guitars). Of course guitars that sit there looking guitar-y aren’t sexy. It’s not the guitar – it’s the skill that counts.
"I keep a cor anglais in my bedroom. Does this look boastful?"
No – just geeky. Sometimes a member of the oboe family is just a member of the oboe family.
"Don't play them Dream Theater. Or Mars Volta."
I’ve conferred about this and the consensus was that the Mars Volta might work on the right partner. However, it could well be a deal-breaker for anyone else…
"Yes, Anglican hymns are much more appropriate. Nothing will get her going like a stirring rendition of Abide In Me, O Lord."
Deal-BREAKER
"For shits sakes, you people are supposed to be helping these poor sods, not ruining their love lives!
Reply: My love life is stillborn. I am only trying to ruin other people's love lives out of resentment. Hate me. Everyone else does."
Self-pity is desperately unsexy and should make no part of foreplay. Try liking yourself and the person you’re with – you’ll have a much better time.
Since I’ve been extolling the virtues of sex with someone you know this week, next week’s blog will be devoted to the invidious practice of finding someone to have a relationship with. You’re all invited to email me with stories of how you hooked up with someone who isn’t that crap, in the sack or otherwise:
auntiekandy@gmail.com
K
To set the mood here’s a few tips:
"The best time for foreplay for me was in high-school. I had a few boyfriends from fifteen on, and I had a good time. Tthere wasn’t the same inevitability about actually having sex, so there was more of a focus on getting the fooling around part to work. My favourite thing was getting oral and the person putting a finger into my twat at the same time. I still really like this option now that I’m actually having sex. I also really like giving hand-jobs cos they’re much easier to do than blow-jobs and I really like watching the person I’m with getting off. That makes me seriously horny."
….get a little more advanced…..time for some show and tell:
"Foreplay is about pleasing and pleasuring your partner, getting them wet/hard and ready for a good lovemaking session. The best way to ensure that you have pleasurable foreplay is to learn what your partner likes and how they like it. No one knows how to pleasure themselves quite like, well.....themselves really, so if you want to learn how to push their buttons to the maximum effect get them to masturbate in front of you. Watch how they stroke, at what pace, any particular flicks of the wrist or finger, how they hold/stroke it. When giving them a blowjob/handjob/going down on them/finger-fucking try to re-create what you saw."
If the thought of delivering a floorshow is just a bit on the porn-star side for your delicate sensibilities skip that part. Ve haf vays of making you talk……
" don't be afraid to ask them, "Does that feel good?", or "How do you want me to suck your dick/lick your pussy". Don't be afraid to use explicit language, it'll get you in the mood. Bad foreplay and bad sex are often caused by lack of communication. People lie there 'putting up' with something that isn't doing it for them out of fear of hurting their partners feelings. If you learn how to go about it the right way you will be able to ask for anything or tell them exactly how you want to be pleasured. Girls: If he's lapping at it like a dog at it's bowl and it's just not working for you, tell him in your most sexy voice, "Ooh, flick your tounge harder on my clit" or "INSERT WHATEVER TURNS YOU ON HERE". Guys: If she's licking it like an icecream when you really want her to suck it like a vacum cleaner, tell her, "Ooh yeah, really suck hard on it, give it some pressure". Never EVER use negative words in bed, like, "Hmm, that doesn't feel too good, could you try.....", It'll just upset them and kill the mood. Let your partner know you are enjoying it and encourage them to try new techniques."
Communication has to be the key to getting off. If you’re so rigid with embarrassment you really can’t talk at all, you can try the time-honoured indirect technique of moaning and moving when it’s working and shutting up and going still when it sucks. If this is you, however let me say - I’ve lain underneath various lotharios thinking “I don’t even know what to suggest this is so crap” and consequently saying nothing while acting like the proverbial sack of spuds, which was mmm-mmm appealing for everyone concerned. Direct communication is the most reliable way to have a good time, but you can work up to it. Practising with someone you like and respect instead of some grogan from the floor at closing time has its advantages. Truly, my experiences of utterly passionless foreplay with virtual strangers have lead me towards the virtues of sex in a relationship where you get to practise techniques continuously for longer periods with less pressure to perform perfectly each time.
And if you do have the chance to practice – why not try some tricks??
"Wrap your guy's dick in tinfoil and wrap your lips/mouth around it, hum gently.
(Does this work for Gladwrap too?)
No, it doesn't."
Possums, should you add this to your foreplay repetoire, I’d watch your fillings – remember how nasty a foil-meets-filling experience can be. Not that you should be using your teeth of course.
Last week’s Lothario appears to be back with the following:
"All foreplay begins with ambience. A romantic setting, perhaps some candles, Kenny G on the stereo -- the seduction must begin hours before the sex. Personally, I suggest that you decorate your boudoir with both phallic and yonic imagery. Large photographs of skyscrapers, contrasted with paintings of butterflies, will suggest a sophisticated contrast between a built and natural world; this will give you an air of sophistication in home decoration, and at the same time operate suggestively on the unconscious mind….."
An ex and I once discussed what might be a deal-breaker at the point where you enter your partner’s room for the first time. His was a hard-cover first edition of The Da vinci Code. Mine was, well. Kenny G on the CD rack. I’ve also never responded particularly well to the idea that women are more closely related to the natural world, since this smacks of Hellenistic misogyny. Get with the programme. How about something more up-to-date, like Eminem or a Pirelli Calendar? Nothing gets me more in the mood than a guy on the stereo ranting about killing his ex or potential comparisons with unrealistically attractive women.
" …..Also, musical instruments have long been associated with sexuality in the Western imagination, and should play some role in getting things going. This can be done through decorations -- a nice picture of an electric guitar will provide the perfect phallic object."
It’s true - guitars have it, if you can play them (I did entertain a brief career as groupie once and I blame it all on the guitars). Of course guitars that sit there looking guitar-y aren’t sexy. It’s not the guitar – it’s the skill that counts.
"I keep a cor anglais in my bedroom. Does this look boastful?"
No – just geeky. Sometimes a member of the oboe family is just a member of the oboe family.
"Don't play them Dream Theater. Or Mars Volta."
I’ve conferred about this and the consensus was that the Mars Volta might work on the right partner. However, it could well be a deal-breaker for anyone else…
"Yes, Anglican hymns are much more appropriate. Nothing will get her going like a stirring rendition of Abide In Me, O Lord."
Deal-BREAKER
"For shits sakes, you people are supposed to be helping these poor sods, not ruining their love lives!
Reply: My love life is stillborn. I am only trying to ruin other people's love lives out of resentment. Hate me. Everyone else does."
Self-pity is desperately unsexy and should make no part of foreplay. Try liking yourself and the person you’re with – you’ll have a much better time.
Since I’ve been extolling the virtues of sex with someone you know this week, next week’s blog will be devoted to the invidious practice of finding someone to have a relationship with. You’re all invited to email me with stories of how you hooked up with someone who isn’t that crap, in the sack or otherwise:
auntiekandy@gmail.com
K
14/03/06 Avoiding the desperate and dateless
Unsurprisingly Craccum staffers are better at telling people to fuck off than they are at getting them to come on up, and the resulting plethora of dubious information shall be yours for the reading. But most excitingly - this week gentle readers, we also have our inaugural contribution from one of you. All hail the Baronet.
Reading between the lines, I get the feeling contributors have divided the desperate and dateless into male and female categories and applied different rules for both, residing almost entirely in a heterosexual universe. Which is not surprising. I’ve divided the advice accordingly.
Let us begin:
"If a guy has the idea that you or your friend is available they can be really hard to get rid of - usually the only thing to do is leave when they're not looking because telling them to fuck off just seems to make them keener. If he's nice but clueless, take your friend and say you're going to the loo, then take the nearest exit. If he's a total asshole ask him to get you a drink and then leave before he gets back. This only works if you get out without being spotted."
Yes folks, it’s the coward’s way out, but after two nasty hours trying to shake off an escapee from the Marist rugby club who introduced himself as “humpy”, one dire evening in Invercargill, I can only say, well, discretion truly is the better part of valour. Of course it’s also worth remembering the following piece of advice:
"Sometimes guys will buy girls drinks and not stalk them for the rest of the night. Learning to separate the random acts of kindness from the date-rapists and the skull-fuckers can be difficult; but by no means should a girl chastise any guy who offers to shout them a drink."
Yeah – this is a tricky one. There are no random acts of kindness. If you don’t like the look of someone who offers you a drink – bloody say no – and thin-skinned dudes should note – this doesn’t constitute “chastising”. Accepting a drink means at least giving the buyer the time of day while you drink it - and thin-skinned chicks note – this doesn’t constitute “being stalked”. If stalkage does occur in the hours that follow the drink and the world’s most boring conversation that accompanied it, take the advice in the para above.
"Text all the time. When asked who you're texting, women should reply "boyfriend". Guys should reply "Mum".
This works like a charm although guys should note: while Sharon-Stone-in-Basic-Instinct-styles women will be repelled by your warm relationship with your mother, most geeky stalker girls would be more scared off if you invented a 6-foot blonde girlfriend who’s doing an honours degree in physics and plays guitar in a band. They might however, construe your mother as someone they could rescue you from….you’ll have to make a judgement call as to who you’re dealing with.
"My solution is similar to the above solution: When sharing stories and/or witty anecdotes with the group you are sitting with (where desperate and dateless is also present) make sure to mention that time you did this and that with your "boyfriend" or "girlfriend", i.e. "Oh, yeah, my boyfriend and I went there, we loved it". It very quickly puts them off. Make sure you mention your other half (even if it is a total lie) early on in the situation to avoid uncomfortable "attention".
If hints are your thing, the Baronet has suggested:
"Being as arrogant or snobbish as possible. In the event that you don't want to have sex this ought to be rather easy really, after all not wanting sex with some random gives you the automatic edge. Basically one makes a point of being a snob, after all guys are so insanely nervous about girls as it is ( to be fair girls dont give guys an inch to work with) but one can always make more of a deterrent, i.e. looking down ones nose with a raised chin. Only problem is you seem to be a bitch, though some nights thats just more fun."
Girls who seem unapproachable get less action. It’s certifiable. If you begin the evening this way you’ll have no trouble.
"Having the ever-useful Gay friend. Most gay guys love playing the "boyfriend" when a girl mate is in trouble, thus it is highly recommended that a girl find herself a gay mate, and ask him to keep watch for the evening."
The beauty of this trick is that it doesn’t have to be a gay guy. Take along some straight friends or friend of the opposite sex and the effect is exactly the same. I’ve sometimes used ex-boyfriends for the same purpose. No dramas and in their case I’m guaranteed a good conversation.
"Stick in a group."
The gazelles are harder to single out this way.
Craccum staffers continue with some more active suggestions:
"Say "I'm in the ACT Party." If that doesn't get rid of someone, nothing will."
Yup
"Regale them with false tales of your existence as a P addict. Shout loudly, and semi-coherently, about how the CIA, the SIS and "that Clark bitch" are watching you from satellites in outer space. Mention that you don't sleep because that's when the police will place listening devices behind your eyeballs. If you're smart, you can link the satellites and eyeballs together in one stream-of-consciousness rant: "Eyeballs... look like golf balls... look like that shit at Waihopai... Eyeball...golf ball... Waihopai!"
Exhausting but extremely effective. If you ever might want to get laid with anyone from Shadows at any point in your undergraduate degree this is not recommended.
"Ask if they are for or against the decriminalisation of Skull-fucking and anal-skullduggery. (And/or necrophilia/beastiality??)"
This might have the opposite effect to what you’re intending. I wouldn’t make the assumption.
"Sean Kinsler Sean Kinsler Sean Kinsler Sean Kinsler Sean Kinsler Sean Kinsler Sean Kinsler Sean Kinsler ………"
"Once, twice, three times a Sproully."
Now that’s just unkind…..and I’ve already said that no one is beyond help.
"If all else fails, keep a small family of mongooses in your handbag. If your 'casanova' fails to get the message that you simply aren't interested, slip some of the aforementioned mongii into his pocket, trouser-leg or codpiece. Nature will take its course and the circle of life (and genital mutilation) rolls on."
This is not going to be possible unless you’re in a pub in Africa (think about it). And even if you substitute a ferret, that much phallic action might well be misconstrued. Ignoring someone is better than giving them this much attention.
"This isn't really related, but how hot would it be to screw someone while both you and they are wearing plastic Dan Bidois face masks?"
"In answer to the above question: I would rather eat my own weight in vomit."
"Have you heard the good news about Jesus?"
Some people really don’t need my advice, do they? For fans of the Superstar himself (and other people of faith), I have to say, I admire your fortitude in the face of sometime social derision and the privations of good behaviour, even if I can’t share your beliefs.
Remember the bottom line for everyone – if you don’t think sexy stuff is a good idea, for whatever reason, then for god’s sake, run in the other direction.
Next week: we’ll be addressing some of your health and safety questions and pondering “virginity – to be or not to be”. Anyone who has a comment or query:
auntiekandy@gmail.com
Be warned – I’ll edit you and then Mr Sproull will edit me, so any comments might not be published in full.
x
Reading between the lines, I get the feeling contributors have divided the desperate and dateless into male and female categories and applied different rules for both, residing almost entirely in a heterosexual universe. Which is not surprising. I’ve divided the advice accordingly.
Let us begin:
"If a guy has the idea that you or your friend is available they can be really hard to get rid of - usually the only thing to do is leave when they're not looking because telling them to fuck off just seems to make them keener. If he's nice but clueless, take your friend and say you're going to the loo, then take the nearest exit. If he's a total asshole ask him to get you a drink and then leave before he gets back. This only works if you get out without being spotted."
Yes folks, it’s the coward’s way out, but after two nasty hours trying to shake off an escapee from the Marist rugby club who introduced himself as “humpy”, one dire evening in Invercargill, I can only say, well, discretion truly is the better part of valour. Of course it’s also worth remembering the following piece of advice:
"Sometimes guys will buy girls drinks and not stalk them for the rest of the night. Learning to separate the random acts of kindness from the date-rapists and the skull-fuckers can be difficult; but by no means should a girl chastise any guy who offers to shout them a drink."
Yeah – this is a tricky one. There are no random acts of kindness. If you don’t like the look of someone who offers you a drink – bloody say no – and thin-skinned dudes should note – this doesn’t constitute “chastising”. Accepting a drink means at least giving the buyer the time of day while you drink it - and thin-skinned chicks note – this doesn’t constitute “being stalked”. If stalkage does occur in the hours that follow the drink and the world’s most boring conversation that accompanied it, take the advice in the para above.
"Text all the time. When asked who you're texting, women should reply "boyfriend". Guys should reply "Mum".
This works like a charm although guys should note: while Sharon-Stone-in-Basic-Instinct-styles women will be repelled by your warm relationship with your mother, most geeky stalker girls would be more scared off if you invented a 6-foot blonde girlfriend who’s doing an honours degree in physics and plays guitar in a band. They might however, construe your mother as someone they could rescue you from….you’ll have to make a judgement call as to who you’re dealing with.
"My solution is similar to the above solution: When sharing stories and/or witty anecdotes with the group you are sitting with (where desperate and dateless is also present) make sure to mention that time you did this and that with your "boyfriend" or "girlfriend", i.e. "Oh, yeah, my boyfriend and I went there, we loved it". It very quickly puts them off. Make sure you mention your other half (even if it is a total lie) early on in the situation to avoid uncomfortable "attention".
If hints are your thing, the Baronet has suggested:
"Being as arrogant or snobbish as possible. In the event that you don't want to have sex this ought to be rather easy really, after all not wanting sex with some random gives you the automatic edge. Basically one makes a point of being a snob, after all guys are so insanely nervous about girls as it is ( to be fair girls dont give guys an inch to work with) but one can always make more of a deterrent, i.e. looking down ones nose with a raised chin. Only problem is you seem to be a bitch, though some nights thats just more fun."
Girls who seem unapproachable get less action. It’s certifiable. If you begin the evening this way you’ll have no trouble.
"Having the ever-useful Gay friend. Most gay guys love playing the "boyfriend" when a girl mate is in trouble, thus it is highly recommended that a girl find herself a gay mate, and ask him to keep watch for the evening."
The beauty of this trick is that it doesn’t have to be a gay guy. Take along some straight friends or friend of the opposite sex and the effect is exactly the same. I’ve sometimes used ex-boyfriends for the same purpose. No dramas and in their case I’m guaranteed a good conversation.
"Stick in a group."
The gazelles are harder to single out this way.
Craccum staffers continue with some more active suggestions:
"Say "I'm in the ACT Party." If that doesn't get rid of someone, nothing will."
Yup
"Regale them with false tales of your existence as a P addict. Shout loudly, and semi-coherently, about how the CIA, the SIS and "that Clark bitch" are watching you from satellites in outer space. Mention that you don't sleep because that's when the police will place listening devices behind your eyeballs. If you're smart, you can link the satellites and eyeballs together in one stream-of-consciousness rant: "Eyeballs... look like golf balls... look like that shit at Waihopai... Eyeball...golf ball... Waihopai!"
Exhausting but extremely effective. If you ever might want to get laid with anyone from Shadows at any point in your undergraduate degree this is not recommended.
"Ask if they are for or against the decriminalisation of Skull-fucking and anal-skullduggery. (And/or necrophilia/beastiality??)"
This might have the opposite effect to what you’re intending. I wouldn’t make the assumption.
"Sean Kinsler Sean Kinsler Sean Kinsler Sean Kinsler Sean Kinsler Sean Kinsler Sean Kinsler Sean Kinsler ………"
"Once, twice, three times a Sproully."
Now that’s just unkind…..and I’ve already said that no one is beyond help.
"If all else fails, keep a small family of mongooses in your handbag. If your 'casanova' fails to get the message that you simply aren't interested, slip some of the aforementioned mongii into his pocket, trouser-leg or codpiece. Nature will take its course and the circle of life (and genital mutilation) rolls on."
This is not going to be possible unless you’re in a pub in Africa (think about it). And even if you substitute a ferret, that much phallic action might well be misconstrued. Ignoring someone is better than giving them this much attention.
"This isn't really related, but how hot would it be to screw someone while both you and they are wearing plastic Dan Bidois face masks?"
"In answer to the above question: I would rather eat my own weight in vomit."
"Have you heard the good news about Jesus?"
Some people really don’t need my advice, do they? For fans of the Superstar himself (and other people of faith), I have to say, I admire your fortitude in the face of sometime social derision and the privations of good behaviour, even if I can’t share your beliefs.
Remember the bottom line for everyone – if you don’t think sexy stuff is a good idea, for whatever reason, then for god’s sake, run in the other direction.
Next week: we’ll be addressing some of your health and safety questions and pondering “virginity – to be or not to be”. Anyone who has a comment or query:
auntiekandy@gmail.com
Be warned – I’ll edit you and then Mr Sproull will edit me, so any comments might not be published in full.
x
08/03/06 Getting laid - a time honoured scarfie pursuit
Well my little smurfs, I imagine you’ve been having a week of it, orgiastic or otherwise. Craccum staff have been predictably unforthcoming on the how-to-get-laid advice but don’t worry, that says more about them than it does about you. Nevertheless and on reflection, what’s been put forward has provided a number of useful launching points for further comment. I’ve also awarded myself the better-late-than-never-prize for realising that advice for not-getting-laid is going to be just as pertinent. Due to lack of space, this will be addressed next week.
Let’s start with the obvious
“nothing beats getting fuckin drunk. Someone will eventually decide to take advantage, especially if they've already met you. (added note: Beware the 'Fosters Flop', as the Australians call it. Beer is great for confidence, but not too useful in terms of...blood pressure.)”
Before you reject this suggestion as a terrible and unsupportable cliché on every conceivable level (which it is), I must point out that no matter how old, rich or thin you are, if you live in New Zealand and are an adult, alcohol consumption in social situations is not only how most of you will find yourselves in the arms of odd-smelling strangers in doorways with an audience of joggers and rubbish collectors. No no – this is the way a significant proportion of you will start relationships. Now, to me, the “drink yourself available” technique is symptomatic of everything from our positively Victorian conservatism in regard to sex through to our fab-tastic choke at the last world cup (whadddarya etc), but such an over-arching script cannot be re-written by individuals. When in Rome, you do what those Romans do, but since you’re in New Zealand, skip the roses and head straight for the bar.
A word of caution – there’s zero excuse for someone taking literal advantage of you if you’ve quaffed yourself into a stupour. However this doesn’t mean it isn’t going to happen. And furthermore, if I had a dollar for every time I woke up thinking “Well, that’s the last time I pash that (insert suitably unsuitable person)”, whilst simultaneously realising they’re there in the bed next to me, frankly I could live off the interest. In your efforts to scratch that itch, spare an occasional thought for the morning after….
And the foster’s flop is all too true, for those of you with penises. A basic rule of thumb - if you’re trying to get some action in the sack, limit the action on your arm (actually that works in more ways that one….).
“Never be afraid to delve into the depths of homo-eroticism to impress a woman. Or a bloke.”
All I’ll say in relation to this is that it gets me every time. In the absence of a survey to test general effectiveness, two rounds of anecdotal evidence would suggest it might be a go. Use with caution.
“Don't be the guy who pissed in the sink in the blokes bathroom at Shadows on tuesday night during O-week.”
Sadly, the only people who would’ve been forwarned here are the other guys in the queue. Was it tiny I wonder? In any case I’d assume the statistical chances of scoring from the loo-queue are limited to a potential 10%, according to most current counts of sexual orientation. Of course that depends on what the queue is like in the ladies and whether any (ahem) overflow of busting chicks has reached the gents. Just remember – the size it is while wizzing bears no statistical relationship to the size it is while excited.
“If you really want to put someone off wanting to sleep with you, introduce yourself as Ryan Sproull. Particularly effective when utilised by women.”
Now it’s true that Ryan is rumoured to be absolute rubbish in the sack, but there’s simply no reason to assume that anyone is beyond help, particularly if they want to learn. I hold out much hope for young Ryan. I think he’s a good keen man, and has much potential, particularly if he heeds his Auntie Kandy’s words of wisdom. As all of you should too.
Those of you who view the whole prospect of sex with strangers as suitably absurd can write me your comments for next week when I’ll deal with how to avoid the desperate and dateless.
X
Auntiekandy@gmail.com
Let’s start with the obvious
“nothing beats getting fuckin drunk. Someone will eventually decide to take advantage, especially if they've already met you. (added note: Beware the 'Fosters Flop', as the Australians call it. Beer is great for confidence, but not too useful in terms of...blood pressure.)”
Before you reject this suggestion as a terrible and unsupportable cliché on every conceivable level (which it is), I must point out that no matter how old, rich or thin you are, if you live in New Zealand and are an adult, alcohol consumption in social situations is not only how most of you will find yourselves in the arms of odd-smelling strangers in doorways with an audience of joggers and rubbish collectors. No no – this is the way a significant proportion of you will start relationships. Now, to me, the “drink yourself available” technique is symptomatic of everything from our positively Victorian conservatism in regard to sex through to our fab-tastic choke at the last world cup (whadddarya etc), but such an over-arching script cannot be re-written by individuals. When in Rome, you do what those Romans do, but since you’re in New Zealand, skip the roses and head straight for the bar.
A word of caution – there’s zero excuse for someone taking literal advantage of you if you’ve quaffed yourself into a stupour. However this doesn’t mean it isn’t going to happen. And furthermore, if I had a dollar for every time I woke up thinking “Well, that’s the last time I pash that (insert suitably unsuitable person)”, whilst simultaneously realising they’re there in the bed next to me, frankly I could live off the interest. In your efforts to scratch that itch, spare an occasional thought for the morning after….
And the foster’s flop is all too true, for those of you with penises. A basic rule of thumb - if you’re trying to get some action in the sack, limit the action on your arm (actually that works in more ways that one….).
“Never be afraid to delve into the depths of homo-eroticism to impress a woman. Or a bloke.”
All I’ll say in relation to this is that it gets me every time. In the absence of a survey to test general effectiveness, two rounds of anecdotal evidence would suggest it might be a go. Use with caution.
“Don't be the guy who pissed in the sink in the blokes bathroom at Shadows on tuesday night during O-week.”
Sadly, the only people who would’ve been forwarned here are the other guys in the queue. Was it tiny I wonder? In any case I’d assume the statistical chances of scoring from the loo-queue are limited to a potential 10%, according to most current counts of sexual orientation. Of course that depends on what the queue is like in the ladies and whether any (ahem) overflow of busting chicks has reached the gents. Just remember – the size it is while wizzing bears no statistical relationship to the size it is while excited.
“If you really want to put someone off wanting to sleep with you, introduce yourself as Ryan Sproull. Particularly effective when utilised by women.”
Now it’s true that Ryan is rumoured to be absolute rubbish in the sack, but there’s simply no reason to assume that anyone is beyond help, particularly if they want to learn. I hold out much hope for young Ryan. I think he’s a good keen man, and has much potential, particularly if he heeds his Auntie Kandy’s words of wisdom. As all of you should too.
Those of you who view the whole prospect of sex with strangers as suitably absurd can write me your comments for next week when I’ll deal with how to avoid the desperate and dateless.
X
Auntiekandy@gmail.com
28/02/06 Sex with Auntie Kandy (and friends) begins
In what I promise will be the first of many, no doubt, enlightening chats, I’d like to announce the advent of Sex with Auntie Kandy (and friends). Auntie Kandy being me. This blog is the electronic version of a column that appears weekly in New Zealand's Auckland University student magazine Craccum.
Gentle reader, I hear you asking what relationship could an agony aunt possibly have to sex? Well, frankly, I’m old and I’ve had some. With that in mind let me point out that if sex is agony you’re either extremely advanced or extremely inexperienced. And since Sex with Aunty Candy aims to meet the needs of all readers, whatever kind of category they fall into, I think you should consider the possibilities inherent in reserving that oral apparatus for something besides speaking. Besides, in this column you can let your fingers do the talking - make a comment. You know you want to.
The deal is this: any queries and comments will be posted at Craccum and staffers will all throw their variously puerile and perverted hats in the ring in response. My role in this brave, new and fortunately certifiably anonymous environment is to point out when things are illegal, impractical, biologically impossible, or, far more importantly, unlikely to lead to a good time. Where the extent of my not-inconsiderable expertise is exceeded by your shenanigans or vast, hormonal tide of unfulfilled and perverse desires, I also have a bevy of nymph-like and satyresque know-and-tell-alls on standby. Basically, no matter what the matter, we’ll get you there.
In honour of what has been a hot and brutally bikini-waxed summer, we at Craccum present this week’s topic: Sex in the outdoors. Thoughtful staffers have suggested a number of ways to get it on while you’re out and about.
With consideration you can avoid physical or emotional damage:
"If you're shy and feel the need to use some kind of outdoor blanket for covering, choose carefully. Scratchy fabrics can really kill a mood."
Tree-lovers:
"be sure to clear the area of pine cones before you throw your lover to the forest floor. Nothing softens the moment like a pinecone up the freckle.” I’d also suggest choosing a non-coniferous forest (call me old-fashioned).
Of course forests in New Zealand during the summer months can pose more serious problems than a simple cone meets freckle situation:
“if you're in the forest, wear fluorescent vests. No-one wants a Dick Cheney-type incident to occur.” And “make sure to keep all noise natural, animal imitation is a must. Remember that your animal noises may in fact attract animals who wish to mate. This is dealt with in different ways, which depend on your level of open-mindedness.” While time simply doesn’t permit me to research the kind of penalties associated with bestiality, you would be well-advised to do so before venturing into the wild.
Craccum staffers are extremely safety conscious girls and boys. They have variously suggested avoiding doggy-style at the beach because of uneven weight distribution “which will cause shells and sharp rocks to cut your skin with heavy thrusting” and reminded you to wear sunblock – “you think that sunburn you got on your arm last year was bad...”. Naturally, waiting till after dark is a possibility here, but there are a number of reasons why you might prefer not to. See below. With health and safety in mind diabetics should note: “stopping halfway for a peanut butter sandwich is very, very sexy. And nutritious!”
Personally I go for the more conservative option – a nicely groomed lawn. Putting greens work well, although I’d definitely wait till after dark, sunburn aside – getting knocked unconscious by a golf ball is only sexy if you’re Steve-o or your partner has secret necrophiliac desires. If you’re of the female persuasion you can get lots of good leverage off a lawn or green whatever position you pick, although anyone with allergies should make it a quickie cause things *will* start to itch. Actually that probably applies to just about every sexual act in the outdoors during high summer.
Finally two suggestions: “shortish skirts and removed underwear + unzipped fly = you can sit on a park bench, girl straddling guy with her legs wrapped around him, looking basically ambiguous. This is if you're concerned about being seen. Alternatively, short skirt/removed underwear plus up against a tree or wall... recipient facing tree or wall... works just fine, though with the potential for lower-back pain.”
Anyone concerned about the dignity aspect of the sex equation should consider themselves forewarned that the first position suggested in the above para is about as ambiguous as a blob of semen in the eye. Happily the second position is great for a reach-around and arguably much easier to get out of in a hurry. Maybe it was just a hug?? Who’s to say.
A further word of caution, which is, after all, what I’m here for: should anyone get really riled about your outdoor activities there’s slim possibility you could be done for indecent exposure. Limiting genital contact to locations where there’s no one else around is the safest option but if being watched or the possibility that you might get caught is what you’re really in it for, now you at least know what you’re up against. It’s a tree in the Domain next to the road at midday and there’s nothing more to be said.
Next week we want to share our top tips for getting some action during O-week. Just because beer-consumption on campus has slowed fractionally doesn’t mean those opportunities have passed. If you have a story to share unleash your advice on an unsuspecting fresher community. You know you want to.
auntiekandy@gmail.com
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