03/05/06 Spicing it up the auntie kandy way

So after all my advice, and your corresponding success in the sack, you’ve gotta be getting at least a little bored now. Or maybe you’re a sexual has-been, more jaded than a Japanese prostitute. But more probably your sex-life is still limping along like most of the Craccum incumbents. For this reason there’s still advice in this week’s column concerning “how to get some”, and spicing up your onanistic pursuits. These are the inevitable, and important, focus of anyone who isn’t getting any, but I’m yanking on the reins and trying to get you all heading in a more advanced direction. (See the bottom of the column for advice on wanking and getting laid).

Judging from this week’s submissions, Craccum writers consider spicing things up involves faking it, some poo and wee, and sad attempts to get sexual access to women via poetry, and by “letting her win”. If any evidence was required that the sexual revolution has taken a rather convoluted turn and ended up in a disused siding near Alexandra, Craccum could put up its collective hand and scream “pick me, pick me” without fear of failure. Women of Auckland University – hear my plea and slither forth from the woodwork. There are men here in dire need of your help. After some consideration I’ve excluded the scatalogical material submitted this week. It’s a woman’s prerogative. If you’re into poo sex, that’s absolutely ok, but I’m going with the majority on this one…..

Ok, so there’s a bunch of stuff to consider here, and we’ve included only a light smattering of suggestions. Lets say you’re reached a point where some routine has set in. Things are all functioning well, both parties are satisfied, but you’re thirsting for variety.

Option:
"G-I-M-P S-U-I-T
If she's not doing it for you already, start to slap yourself around, crying out lines like "Take it like a man," and "Fuck me up, bitch!"

Or alternative roleplay with outfits. The French maid, the policeman, nuns, whatever. There’s a suggestion of domination and submission, but nothing at the fetish level (where you need the particular presence of, say a whip, to achieve orgasm).
Pros: it’s forbidden and therefore exciting, it’s sort of like having sex with an entirely different person, it can be very funny and therefore fun and it can bring you closer because it’s something only the two of you share.
Cons: it’s expensive, requires a level of privacy that’s virtually impossible while flatting (walking in on my flatmate getting if from behind in a maid’s outfit isn’t high on my list of priorities, for example), can be intimidating and impossible to get or stay in character, thus killing the mood, and it’s essentially pretty ridiculous, which isn’t that sexy if you start thinking about it. Plus it’s a lot of work. Although one of my workmates at a previous job used to call me “the dominatrix”, I know that sort of situation would quickly devolve to me getting bored and suggesting the other party spank themselves.

Related:
Lingerie & display
Burlesque/stripping/performance
Pros: it’s great for guys who typically love to watch and are easily stimulated visually, and great for girls who love to perform, or who love to be objectified, or who get a kick out of seeing their partners get really hot and knowing they’re in control of that. Think Marilyn Manson and Dita von Teese. Burlesque is the new black.
Cons: It’s the usual sexist configuration of man watching, woman being an object (yawn). Lots of girls are going to be waaahay too self-conscious of their bodies to even contemplate going there, and I’m not so sure about the visual appeal of hairy arse-cheeks in a thong if the traditional roles are reversed. Women are also typically far less easily visually stimulated than men, so, generally speaking, this may not necessarily be heralded by female partners with much joy. Ask first.

Option:
Toys (and roleplay). Shop together. Dvice on Ponsonby are friendly, helpful and not at all sleazy, and there’s always the option of the internet. Or you can just use whatever you’ve got lying around at home:

"My partner and I often enact battles between GI Joes and Transformers to get ourselves worked up. However, if you don't want to get into the dog box, it pays to let her win from time to time.
We're trying to transcend the Manichean good/evil dichotomy, by pitting the forces of 'good' against each other. It's important to recognise that conflict is not borne out of inherent 'goodness' or 'evilness' of the opposing groups, but by competing interests and weltenschaung, and that characterising the 'villains' of the piece with names such as 'Cobra' and 'Decepticonz' can only distort or submerge their motivations for going into battle. Rather, we prefer to recognise that life is not as simple as our childhood toys would have us believe, and that the tendency towards human conflict should not be repressed, but explored while recognising that both sides may well have valid points of view. This model, while imperfect and open to charges of moral relativism, has nevertheless allowed us to accommodate a much broader understanding of conflict throughout history, and in the contemporary world. Initially, we had plans to include smurfs to represent pacifist movements, but I lost Brainy Smurf when I moved flats, and the rest of them couldn't organise. Needless to say, we find this very, very sexy."

Pros: if your partner is just missing the spot, this is a great way to correct the issue. It’s something you can do together, it’s bound to be stimulating, and when and if the relationship ends, you’ve got a little friend to tide you over the break.
Cons: can be expensive, cheap sex-toys are pretty disappointing, buying over the net may result in related spam from now till the end of time, and the use of anything not specifically designed as a sex toy can result in injury. Where exactly did brainy smurf get lost again?

Option:
Both parties can study (manuals, porno flicks and mags, “romance” novels) and compose a list of everything each of you didn’t even know existed that you want to try.
Pros: it’s horny reading about or watching sex. And it gives you time to think about what you might want to do and get nice and worked up. You’ll learn about anatomy and your own body and probably have better sex than before and into the future. If your partner has wildly different ideas there’s going to be lots of hot stuff to choose from.
Cons: not so great if you haven’t got anyone to do it with (see comments on solo sex below if you get desperate). Watching porn can be an ambivalent experience if you’re an old-school feminist or have a religious moral code that frowns on fornication. If your partner has wildly different ideas things might not meet in the middle.

Option:
Mood music
"Playing Alanis Morissette always gets me going. That nasal yodel of hers is eternally a summons to all my foolish blood.
I find singing Carpenters songs while beating your partner with a bag of oranges can be quite arousing (gaining consent first is important, naturally)."

Pros: Music covers up rutting noises or the sound of oranges hitting tender flesh which can be embarrassing to have played back at high volume by vengeful, sleep-deprived flatties. Adds a certain extra emotional dimension to the experience.
Cons: the emotional dimension isn’t always good: random play of mp3s off computers or ipods can turn up nasty little surprises like a song that reminds you of your Dad, or your ex. No orgasms all round.

And finally what to do if spicing things up is simply not as crucial as actually achieving congress? If you’re still desperately trying to access a girl’s knicker-enclosed areas, the following might get her attention, although by the time everyone on campus has read it, she’s gunna know it’s not her boobs that were the inspiring factor.

"What better way to spice up a life of sex than with the art of poesy? Everyone knows verse gets all the girls wet. Just look at Lord Byron. Even his own sister, Augusta, couldn't resist him... and he had a club foot! Try out this little number on the one whom you would inveigle. This verse form (6 lines, 8 syllables each, rhymed ababcc ) is what the Spanish call sextilla . No shit. SEXtilla! So enjoy...

I love you so, from head to toes

I love your legs, I love your lips

I love your knees, I love your nose

I love the way you shake your hips

I love you. Will you love me back?

Cos most of all I love your rack


by Sextilla The Hun"

Rating:
**** if used on a girl from off-campus, provided you’ve got the nads to dish it up in person or in a letter with your own name on it.
* if used on someone from AU.
***** if you’re a girl and you want to seduce an English major of either gender.
Replace the last line with “I want to get you in the sack” for male love-objects.

"Listen to your flatmates doing it through the wall."

And join in with your own solo show.

"Solo sex-life! Yeah! Let's not forget about that. Depict object of desire on your mattress (with paints or pastels) in their full, unexpurgated glory. Unexpurgated! Having one off the wrist was never so much fun! Yeah!"

Sigh. Yeah.

Next week: period sex pros and cons. Write in and let me know your thoughts.

auntiekandy@blogspot.com