A suggested topic for this column was “Take it like a Man” which I must confess I find to be desperately ironic. Not once in the number of considered responses Craccum writers posted this week was there even a whisker of any man “taking it”. Oh no. Apparently the prima facie definition of anal sex is “heterosexual male puts his erect penis through the anus and into the rectum of a heterosexual female (possibly while she has her period)”. Good lord. Such is the strength of this construct that men in some places who take it up the arse are considered to be gay even if the person performing the anal penetration in question is female. Now, don’t get me wrong – it’s not like I’m necessarily championing the practice of girl on guy fisting (although each to their own), but isn’t it interesting possums, that we’re wired up in such a predictably hetero/sexist way?
Taking a global view, anal sex is considered as an alternative to male-puts-erect-penis-into-female-vagina-sex in some catholic and Islamic cultures, and in the case of some virginity pledgers in the US. For the Christian contingent it represents a way of remaining a “technical virgin”, while for some in the Islamic world it’s a useful method of contraception. Doctrine on the matter varies of course and there are Christian and muslim thinkers who decry the practice, while others say it’s ok. Personal opinion on anal amongst people in these groups is, I’m sure, quite variable.
Sex studies, from Kinsey and Masters and Johnson, through to more recent stuff, suggest that about equal proportions of gay male and heterosexual couples have tried anal, and that lesbian couples also may indulge, using fingers or objects for the purpose of stimulation and penetration. Heterosexual men may also accept this kind of activity.
A working definition of anal sex for the politics of this column: the practice of stimulating or using the anus for the sexual pleasure of all or any of the people in a sexual encounter. It can be practiced by any person of any sexual orientation or gender identity with any other people of either. The receptive party has to have to have a butt-hole.
However, judging from lovely Craccum writers’ contributions, what most people want to know about is how to survive the penis meets female arse-hole experience without serious injury:
The first time I tried anal we were both in terrible pain. I pulled out to notice blood on my penis, and at first I thought I'd made my partner's anus bleed. Turns out my cock was bleeding because I'd torn the frenulum (for those students not at Med School, that's the skin attaching the penis to the foreskin). Needless to say, my conservative Catholic doctor turned pale as I explained my predicament to him. The moral of the story is: lubrication. Beer does not count as lubrication! After about two months of healing, we were ready to try again, and it's a bucketload of fun! So don't let this sad tale put you off.
Yep – lube. Bum-holes don’t make their own so you need to supply it if you want this to work. Pharmacies sell it, usually next to the condom section. I’d suggest one of the thicker formulas like Durex’s Play, but anything that isn’t oil or petroleum-based is probably fine. However spermacide is apparently not very good for the delicate membranes of the rectum either, so don’t switch it in for a proper lubricant – take the time to purchase the right equipment!
If you are going to do it here is some advice, speaking purely from a common sense point of view. It's best to go to the toilet before hand, have a shower, make sure it's all clean up there. The last thing you want is two brown handprints on the wall. Ha, did that put you off? Good. Prostitutes from days gone by used to use candles to stretch that area to accommodate varying sizes of men, they would start with small thin candles and work their way up to larger thicker candles. If you look at porn films, most of the girls have sizeable assholes, purely because they've had A LOT of traffic going through there. It'll make it less painful for you and more enjoyable for your man because you will be able to carry on, rather than stopping because you are in immense pain.
A quick survey of female adepts has confirmed my suspicion that warming the area up with lots of lube and a finger inserted first eliminates the need for candle practice. I’m sure the male arse-hole behaves in much the same way, although as I said before I’m not a personal expert. Condoms on fingers for the warm-up is advised. I’m not a fan of having a poo-y finger waved anywhere near my vulval area. Any woman who’s suffered through a (mind-grindingly itchy) bout of thrush will tell you why. And condoms for any penis meets butt-hole action are also useful; if something unspeakable does happen, you at least don’t get left with anything too tragic under the foreskin. Hygiene in this area is really important – make sure you keep mouths and vaginas away from anything that’s been in the asshole region. At the very least I’m reliably informed that (and it was an interesting conversation I can tell you) “the taste is terrible”.
You should note as well - regular condoms are not built for anal penetration. If you’re engaging in this sort of activity with someone you don’t know very well you should consider purchasing a thicker condom that’s designed especially for anus meets penis sex and is less likely to break. This is really important because the rectum is easily bruised and has lots of vascular tissue, so it’s very keen to absorb any diseases straight into your bloodstream from whatever sexual fluids are hanging around.
Anal sex is not for everyone:
I have no desire to put my penis into an arsehole. I think that anal sex has been glorified by porn and the Catholic Church, and that it sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant experience. I have heard arguments about being willing to try anything, and wanting to do it 'for him', but frankly, I don't see the point when there is a perfectly good vagina right there. I can understand anal sex in gay men, as the choice of orifices is limited, but in old fashioned women on man sex I don't quite see the point. A vagina self lubricates, it is soft, snug, and brings a woman more pleasure (and causes less pain). A rectum is not self lubricating, the lining is not fleshy and muscular, is more easily damaged, and furthermore, is covered in poos.
Modern pornography is a very artificial construct. Women don't really like semen on their faces and tits. I don't imagine that an enormous prosthetic penile piston plunging into a tight pink anus accompanied by squeals of delight and the obligatory "oh yeah I love feeling that huge cock inside my tight virgin ass" is anything like reality. Reality is probably more like pain, embarrassing noises, and poo. The attraction has been artificially instilled in society.
It’s true porn is a construct, it has its own narrative rules and can be viewed as a particular object from a visual culture perspective. Without having done an exhaustive survey, I wouldn’t advise treating anything you’ve seen on-screen (any screen) as being indicative of what a woman or a man would want in bed. You really have to do your homework on this one. If even the dirty bastards at Craccum are having Victorian fits over the idea of putting their penises where the sun don’t shine, it’s fairly safe to say this is not the most popular sex act on offer.
I think anal sex is probably overrated, it has been romanticised, turned into this great taboo, so guys lust after 'earning their brown wings'. My guess is, once they've done it, they probably won't want to again. The chances of something horrible happening are fairly high in that region. What's wrong with pussy anyways?
I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with pussy but not all sexual encounters have one available, and besides, a little variety can be very important even when there is. If anal sex is something you want to try, I’d advise suggesting it casually, but leaving yourself an out in case it’s going to give your partner conniptions. Apply no pressure. This is a personal choice, like all sex acts. If they’re up for it, warm up in all the usual ways, use lots of lube, get the ass-hole all ready with a finger first (maybe use a condom on the finger for hygiene and aesthetic reasons) and then if you want to go for penile or larger object penetration, lube up REALLY well, slip on a condom and demand a reach-around. Much less fun without.
A final word of caution – don’t push any fun object all the way into the rectum – reverse peristalsis could see it travelling towards the transverse colon faster than you think. And be careful in there – rough treatment can cause bleeding and worse.
Sextilla XVI: "The Rim Of Lucrece"
I would thou hadst an open gate!
Thy sunless passage I would conquer.
Thy gap hath gaped too long a date
For me, thy would-be rectal bonker.
What though I know not tender words
When all I seek's to cram thy turds?
by Sextilla the Hun
And finally - if the whole idea leaves you cold, for god’s sake leave it alone. Don’t allow yourself to be pestered into it by a pushy partner and don’t push yourself to try something you’re not comfortable about. For all my sick enthusiasm for period sex last week, I’d hate to think any of you were doing something you felt weird about.
Monday, March 17, 2008
10/05/06 Period Sex. No, really.
Aah, period sex. Menstrual boning. Am I the only one who thinks this is even vaguely within acceptable bounds? On one hand male contributors have tip-toed lightly around the subject of period sex. Unless it happens to be sex in either the Regency or Permian periods. Which just goes to show that Craccum is a happy home to male writers majoring in everything from English to Zoology. On the other hand female contributors seem to think that sex during your period is ewwwwww nasty and who would go there. Well, I for one have and would again, and at least one male contributor agrees (see below). There seem to be two major schools of thought on the matter; either “it’s too awful to contemplate”, or “who cares, I’m horny, lets do it anyway”. There’s probably also the fetishist school who require a little blood to get off, but they’re probably fine to be left to their own blood-encrusted devices on this one.
Ok, for argument’s sake lets say you want to get into a bit of period/costume roleplay:
My girlfriend and I find our favourite period for sex is the Regency Era of early 19th Century England. We always wear appropriate costumes and our sessions usually start with a re-enactment of a scene from one of the novels of Jane Austen. We both find this highly arousing and, when she says something particularly coquettish, such as "But Mr Parmenter, you mistake me Sir," I feel compelled to handle her roughly, forcing her on to my lap and unveiling her derriere from the multitudinous fabrics of her undergarments. I then proceed to thrash her perfectly-rounded buttocks with my riding crop. Before long, my ardour is such that I must swiftly remove my breeches in order to thrust my engorged member into her moist womanhood. Soon, we both reach a frenzied climax. Afterwards, we have a cup of tea and watch Coronation Street [Surely Upstairs Downstairs!] together.
Austen is ROTATING in her grave over this one. Ever notice how she never even put one teeny pash into any of her stories? No, her heroines were all about going tramping through the mud in defiance of stuffy good taste and being excessively witty, and not so much into the Marquis de Sade cropping activities. My advice if you want to go for period sex prior to the 20th Century is the restoration period. Men wore their breeches loosely-laced, there were lots of jades and strumpets around, and sexual ruin and associated social damnation were a bit less thick on the ground. Of course, if you go for the humiliation angle, Sade is always there as an inspiration. Or you could go Elizabethan and fantasize about that delicious Joseph Fiennes (see Shakespeare in Love and Elizabeth for reference material). Sex in the outdoors was probably pretty standard – fornicate against a tree in the Domain as I suggested in the inaugural Sex with Auntie Kandy, with your petticoats and flies flapping in the breeze. Get thee into and/or out of a corset and set of suspenders and flag the underwear altogether….
Of course all of this is a lot of effort and cash. For the less discerning, period sex could be as simple as a return to that most revered of historical moments:
How about some good old '80s nostalgia? Yeah! Yeah! Put some Pseudo Echo on the boombox, strap on a Bjorn Borg headband, it's time for you to take me to Funky Town! Follow that up with Dave Dobbyn's 'Magic What She Do'. Girls love a compliment, especially one in song form. As a soundtrack to the real down-and-dirty love-making, whip on Tim Finn's 'Fraction Too Much Friction'. I think most people know what that song's about.
Yep – in my case all of this just evokes intermediate-school socials, replete with bad side pony-tails, crimping, ra-ra skirts and guys that dance like constricted zombies. Love that thorazine shuffle….still, in later life I’ve discovered that laughing your arse off because erections look ridiculous in lycra is nearly as much fun as peeling it off and getting stuck in.
Or maybe some prefer a more recent period. One where Gatecrasher trance was King, and fuckwits across the world decorated themselves in ludicrous fluorescent costumes. So, put some 'didleet-didleet' synth ratshit on the stereo, dress up like a total spoon, and stick the glowsticks where the sun don't shine!
High school anyone? I guess that can be construed as horny. Girls in my class used to sneak out for a quick one in their boyfriend’s 323’s at lunchtime. Shudder. Still, if you take the drugs customarily associated with this era, everything is going to be sweet as. Well, probably not in terms of having good sex, but it’s ok – you won’t care.
My favourite period is Permian period. It was 286 million years ago that sailback reptiles such as the Dimetrodon first appeared.
Frankly that’s a big good luck to anyone wanting to simulate sex in an era prior to the advent of any kind of mammal. Even if you go super-broadminded on this, you’d have to make like a lizard-creature to achieve a period-accurate congress with yourself, let alone other hapless reptiles.
But now to the bloody core of the matter – sex with blood in it.
Period sex is a great idea. Girls get REALLY horny during their period.
Some do. Some do not.
No, they get really horny a week and a half after their period. You do not feel even remotely sexual during your period.
Sorry Miss 'only know from my own sexual desires during my period', you are wrong. I have been with far more period-crazy horny honeys than you could imagine
Like I was saying….
I haven’t read any definitive answers on why some women are horny during their periods and some not. My guess (and it is just that) is that it’s to do with the drop in both progesterone and oestrogen that causes the uterus to shed its lining and make some women grumpy, confused and clumsy compared to other times of the month. For some this means a sexual flatline. But for others there might well be other hormones, like testosterone (associated with sexual desire in women) in play. Don’t argue with this phenomenon. Either sex is wanted or it’s not. (NB Mid-month sexual desire is all about ovulation – bodies want to make babies at this time of the month. Women are hornier, apparently more likely to dress provocatively, and men want them more. Contraception is essential.)
Ewwwwwwwww!! Period sex is when you have anal sex instead, if you're boyfriend/partner/lover/fuck-buddy is being an insistent bastard. But still Ewwwwwwwwww.
So it’s a case of pick your poison? Which bodily substance do you find the most repugnant? Anal has its own delights – is it really to be a mere substitute for “real sex”? And is real sex by definition something excluding blood? What exactly do we find so vile here?
I am amused that even the repulsive Craccum staff won't touch the topic of period sex. We have had in depth discussions about raping whales in the blowhole, but can't manage to talk frankly about mid-menstrual boning. Every 28 days or so women evacuate their comfy and nurturing uterine lining through their vaginas. For some reason this means that they are off limits. I mean, how many of us have actually never had a bit of blood during sex? And it's not much is it? A couple of tablespoons full over 5 days. What are we so worried about? Aside from the fact that most of the time the last thing a menstruating woman wants to think about is sex. I am more scared of the violence than I am of the blood. Obviously you can have anal sex. One might not be this way inclined. What then? Just give up. It's probably not worth the bother.
It seems that most of the men of Craccum, including the Regency and Permian lovers, do seem to be rather scared of the whole idea. Guys can be fainters, of course. And not being used to seeing blood appear in a non-traumatic way must make menstruation a foreign concept. But you’re apparently also scared of even broaching the subject during that time of the month. Dare I suggest you should balls-up a bit? And girls – is it really such a big deal? A little bit of colour?
If you’re in the mood, do whatever you usually do to convince your partner that sex should happen. If you’re the female partner you might want to warn them about the situation after getting things a little warmed up, and if you’re the male partner and a snarling hormonally driven rebuff occurs, offer 70% coca chocolate and count your losses. Should things get suitably steamy, take a shower, lay down an old towel, introduce some lube since blood doesn’t work that well (mmm, coagulants), use a condom if the idea of anything red under the old foreskin is a bit visceral, and keep some tissues or another old towel handy. Apparently orgasms are great for relieving cramps, and clinical trials have shown that even thinking about sex increases a person’s pain threshold.
The quote "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" was coined during a period.
So there you go boys – damned if you do and damned if you don’t. My advice? If both parties are in the mood but fainting or the idea of all that red stuff is an issue, do it with the lights out. You’ll never know the difference. Just watch out for the wallpaper. Boom Shanka!
Ok, for argument’s sake lets say you want to get into a bit of period/costume roleplay:
My girlfriend and I find our favourite period for sex is the Regency Era of early 19th Century England. We always wear appropriate costumes and our sessions usually start with a re-enactment of a scene from one of the novels of Jane Austen. We both find this highly arousing and, when she says something particularly coquettish, such as "But Mr Parmenter, you mistake me Sir," I feel compelled to handle her roughly, forcing her on to my lap and unveiling her derriere from the multitudinous fabrics of her undergarments. I then proceed to thrash her perfectly-rounded buttocks with my riding crop. Before long, my ardour is such that I must swiftly remove my breeches in order to thrust my engorged member into her moist womanhood. Soon, we both reach a frenzied climax. Afterwards, we have a cup of tea and watch Coronation Street [Surely Upstairs Downstairs!] together.
Austen is ROTATING in her grave over this one. Ever notice how she never even put one teeny pash into any of her stories? No, her heroines were all about going tramping through the mud in defiance of stuffy good taste and being excessively witty, and not so much into the Marquis de Sade cropping activities. My advice if you want to go for period sex prior to the 20th Century is the restoration period. Men wore their breeches loosely-laced, there were lots of jades and strumpets around, and sexual ruin and associated social damnation were a bit less thick on the ground. Of course, if you go for the humiliation angle, Sade is always there as an inspiration. Or you could go Elizabethan and fantasize about that delicious Joseph Fiennes (see Shakespeare in Love and Elizabeth for reference material). Sex in the outdoors was probably pretty standard – fornicate against a tree in the Domain as I suggested in the inaugural Sex with Auntie Kandy, with your petticoats and flies flapping in the breeze. Get thee into and/or out of a corset and set of suspenders and flag the underwear altogether….
Of course all of this is a lot of effort and cash. For the less discerning, period sex could be as simple as a return to that most revered of historical moments:
How about some good old '80s nostalgia? Yeah! Yeah! Put some Pseudo Echo on the boombox, strap on a Bjorn Borg headband, it's time for you to take me to Funky Town! Follow that up with Dave Dobbyn's 'Magic What She Do'. Girls love a compliment, especially one in song form. As a soundtrack to the real down-and-dirty love-making, whip on Tim Finn's 'Fraction Too Much Friction'. I think most people know what that song's about.
Yep – in my case all of this just evokes intermediate-school socials, replete with bad side pony-tails, crimping, ra-ra skirts and guys that dance like constricted zombies. Love that thorazine shuffle….still, in later life I’ve discovered that laughing your arse off because erections look ridiculous in lycra is nearly as much fun as peeling it off and getting stuck in.
Or maybe some prefer a more recent period. One where Gatecrasher trance was King, and fuckwits across the world decorated themselves in ludicrous fluorescent costumes. So, put some 'didleet-didleet' synth ratshit on the stereo, dress up like a total spoon, and stick the glowsticks where the sun don't shine!
High school anyone? I guess that can be construed as horny. Girls in my class used to sneak out for a quick one in their boyfriend’s 323’s at lunchtime. Shudder. Still, if you take the drugs customarily associated with this era, everything is going to be sweet as. Well, probably not in terms of having good sex, but it’s ok – you won’t care.
My favourite period is Permian period. It was 286 million years ago that sailback reptiles such as the Dimetrodon first appeared.
Frankly that’s a big good luck to anyone wanting to simulate sex in an era prior to the advent of any kind of mammal. Even if you go super-broadminded on this, you’d have to make like a lizard-creature to achieve a period-accurate congress with yourself, let alone other hapless reptiles.
But now to the bloody core of the matter – sex with blood in it.
Period sex is a great idea. Girls get REALLY horny during their period.
Some do. Some do not.
No, they get really horny a week and a half after their period. You do not feel even remotely sexual during your period.
Sorry Miss 'only know from my own sexual desires during my period', you are wrong. I have been with far more period-crazy horny honeys than you could imagine
Like I was saying….
I haven’t read any definitive answers on why some women are horny during their periods and some not. My guess (and it is just that) is that it’s to do with the drop in both progesterone and oestrogen that causes the uterus to shed its lining and make some women grumpy, confused and clumsy compared to other times of the month. For some this means a sexual flatline. But for others there might well be other hormones, like testosterone (associated with sexual desire in women) in play. Don’t argue with this phenomenon. Either sex is wanted or it’s not. (NB Mid-month sexual desire is all about ovulation – bodies want to make babies at this time of the month. Women are hornier, apparently more likely to dress provocatively, and men want them more. Contraception is essential.)
Ewwwwwwwww!! Period sex is when you have anal sex instead, if you're boyfriend/partner/lover/fuck-buddy is being an insistent bastard. But still Ewwwwwwwwww.
So it’s a case of pick your poison? Which bodily substance do you find the most repugnant? Anal has its own delights – is it really to be a mere substitute for “real sex”? And is real sex by definition something excluding blood? What exactly do we find so vile here?
I am amused that even the repulsive Craccum staff won't touch the topic of period sex. We have had in depth discussions about raping whales in the blowhole, but can't manage to talk frankly about mid-menstrual boning. Every 28 days or so women evacuate their comfy and nurturing uterine lining through their vaginas. For some reason this means that they are off limits. I mean, how many of us have actually never had a bit of blood during sex? And it's not much is it? A couple of tablespoons full over 5 days. What are we so worried about? Aside from the fact that most of the time the last thing a menstruating woman wants to think about is sex. I am more scared of the violence than I am of the blood. Obviously you can have anal sex. One might not be this way inclined. What then? Just give up. It's probably not worth the bother.
It seems that most of the men of Craccum, including the Regency and Permian lovers, do seem to be rather scared of the whole idea. Guys can be fainters, of course. And not being used to seeing blood appear in a non-traumatic way must make menstruation a foreign concept. But you’re apparently also scared of even broaching the subject during that time of the month. Dare I suggest you should balls-up a bit? And girls – is it really such a big deal? A little bit of colour?
If you’re in the mood, do whatever you usually do to convince your partner that sex should happen. If you’re the female partner you might want to warn them about the situation after getting things a little warmed up, and if you’re the male partner and a snarling hormonally driven rebuff occurs, offer 70% coca chocolate and count your losses. Should things get suitably steamy, take a shower, lay down an old towel, introduce some lube since blood doesn’t work that well (mmm, coagulants), use a condom if the idea of anything red under the old foreskin is a bit visceral, and keep some tissues or another old towel handy. Apparently orgasms are great for relieving cramps, and clinical trials have shown that even thinking about sex increases a person’s pain threshold.
The quote "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" was coined during a period.
So there you go boys – damned if you do and damned if you don’t. My advice? If both parties are in the mood but fainting or the idea of all that red stuff is an issue, do it with the lights out. You’ll never know the difference. Just watch out for the wallpaper. Boom Shanka!
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