Monday, March 17, 2008

10/05/06 Period Sex. No, really.

Aah, period sex. Menstrual boning. Am I the only one who thinks this is even vaguely within acceptable bounds? On one hand male contributors have tip-toed lightly around the subject of period sex. Unless it happens to be sex in either the Regency or Permian periods. Which just goes to show that Craccum is a happy home to male writers majoring in everything from English to Zoology. On the other hand female contributors seem to think that sex during your period is ewwwwww nasty and who would go there. Well, I for one have and would again, and at least one male contributor agrees (see below). There seem to be two major schools of thought on the matter; either “it’s too awful to contemplate”, or “who cares, I’m horny, lets do it anyway”. There’s probably also the fetishist school who require a little blood to get off, but they’re probably fine to be left to their own blood-encrusted devices on this one.

Ok, for argument’s sake lets say you want to get into a bit of period/costume roleplay:

My girlfriend and I find our favourite period for sex is the Regency Era of early 19th Century England. We always wear appropriate costumes and our sessions usually start with a re-enactment of a scene from one of the novels of Jane Austen. We both find this highly arousing and, when she says something particularly coquettish, such as "But Mr Parmenter, you mistake me Sir," I feel compelled to handle her roughly, forcing her on to my lap and unveiling her derriere from the multitudinous fabrics of her undergarments. I then proceed to thrash her perfectly-rounded buttocks with my riding crop. Before long, my ardour is such that I must swiftly remove my breeches in order to thrust my engorged member into her moist womanhood. Soon, we both reach a frenzied climax. Afterwards, we have a cup of tea and watch Coronation Street [Surely Upstairs Downstairs!] together.

Austen is ROTATING in her grave over this one. Ever notice how she never even put one teeny pash into any of her stories? No, her heroines were all about going tramping through the mud in defiance of stuffy good taste and being excessively witty, and not so much into the Marquis de Sade cropping activities. My advice if you want to go for period sex prior to the 20th Century is the restoration period. Men wore their breeches loosely-laced, there were lots of jades and strumpets around, and sexual ruin and associated social damnation were a bit less thick on the ground. Of course, if you go for the humiliation angle, Sade is always there as an inspiration. Or you could go Elizabethan and fantasize about that delicious Joseph Fiennes (see Shakespeare in Love and Elizabeth for reference material). Sex in the outdoors was probably pretty standard – fornicate against a tree in the Domain as I suggested in the inaugural Sex with Auntie Kandy, with your petticoats and flies flapping in the breeze. Get thee into and/or out of a corset and set of suspenders and flag the underwear altogether….

Of course all of this is a lot of effort and cash. For the less discerning, period sex could be as simple as a return to that most revered of historical moments:

How about some good old '80s nostalgia? Yeah! Yeah! Put some Pseudo Echo on the boombox, strap on a Bjorn Borg headband, it's time for you to take me to Funky Town! Follow that up with Dave Dobbyn's 'Magic What She Do'. Girls love a compliment, especially one in song form. As a soundtrack to the real down-and-dirty love-making, whip on Tim Finn's 'Fraction Too Much Friction'. I think most people know what that song's about.

Yep – in my case all of this just evokes intermediate-school socials, replete with bad side pony-tails, crimping, ra-ra skirts and guys that dance like constricted zombies. Love that thorazine shuffle….still, in later life I’ve discovered that laughing your arse off because erections look ridiculous in lycra is nearly as much fun as peeling it off and getting stuck in.

Or maybe some prefer a more recent period. One where Gatecrasher trance was King, and fuckwits across the world decorated themselves in ludicrous fluorescent costumes. So, put some 'didleet-didleet' synth ratshit on the stereo, dress up like a total spoon, and stick the glowsticks where the sun don't shine!

High school anyone? I guess that can be construed as horny. Girls in my class used to sneak out for a quick one in their boyfriend’s 323’s at lunchtime. Shudder. Still, if you take the drugs customarily associated with this era, everything is going to be sweet as. Well, probably not in terms of having good sex, but it’s ok – you won’t care.

My favourite period is Permian period. It was 286 million years ago that sailback reptiles such as the Dimetrodon first appeared.

Frankly that’s a big good luck to anyone wanting to simulate sex in an era prior to the advent of any kind of mammal. Even if you go super-broadminded on this, you’d have to make like a lizard-creature to achieve a period-accurate congress with yourself, let alone other hapless reptiles.

But now to the bloody core of the matter – sex with blood in it.

Period sex is a great idea. Girls get REALLY horny during their period.

Some do. Some do not.

No, they get really horny a week and a half after their period. You do not feel even remotely sexual during your period.

Sorry Miss 'only know from my own sexual desires during my period', you are wrong. I have been with far more period-crazy horny honeys than you could imagine

Like I was saying….

I haven’t read any definitive answers on why some women are horny during their periods and some not. My guess (and it is just that) is that it’s to do with the drop in both progesterone and oestrogen that causes the uterus to shed its lining and make some women grumpy, confused and clumsy compared to other times of the month. For some this means a sexual flatline. But for others there might well be other hormones, like testosterone (associated with sexual desire in women) in play. Don’t argue with this phenomenon. Either sex is wanted or it’s not. (NB Mid-month sexual desire is all about ovulation – bodies want to make babies at this time of the month. Women are hornier, apparently more likely to dress provocatively, and men want them more. Contraception is essential.)

Ewwwwwwwww!! Period sex is when you have anal sex instead, if you're boyfriend/partner/lover/fuck-buddy is being an insistent bastard. But still Ewwwwwwwwww.

So it’s a case of pick your poison? Which bodily substance do you find the most repugnant? Anal has its own delights – is it really to be a mere substitute for “real sex”? And is real sex by definition something excluding blood? What exactly do we find so vile here?

I am amused that even the repulsive Craccum staff won't touch the topic of period sex. We have had in depth discussions about raping whales in the blowhole, but can't manage to talk frankly about mid-menstrual boning. Every 28 days or so women evacuate their comfy and nurturing uterine lining through their vaginas. For some reason this means that they are off limits. I mean, how many of us have actually never had a bit of blood during sex? And it's not much is it? A couple of tablespoons full over 5 days. What are we so worried about? Aside from the fact that most of the time the last thing a menstruating woman wants to think about is sex. I am more scared of the violence than I am of the blood. Obviously you can have anal sex. One might not be this way inclined. What then? Just give up. It's probably not worth the bother.

It seems that most of the men of Craccum, including the Regency and Permian lovers, do seem to be rather scared of the whole idea. Guys can be fainters, of course. And not being used to seeing blood appear in a non-traumatic way must make menstruation a foreign concept. But you’re apparently also scared of even broaching the subject during that time of the month. Dare I suggest you should balls-up a bit? And girls – is it really such a big deal? A little bit of colour?

If you’re in the mood, do whatever you usually do to convince your partner that sex should happen. If you’re the female partner you might want to warn them about the situation after getting things a little warmed up, and if you’re the male partner and a snarling hormonally driven rebuff occurs, offer 70% coca chocolate and count your losses. Should things get suitably steamy, take a shower, lay down an old towel, introduce some lube since blood doesn’t work that well (mmm, coagulants), use a condom if the idea of anything red under the old foreskin is a bit visceral, and keep some tissues or another old towel handy. Apparently orgasms are great for relieving cramps, and clinical trials have shown that even thinking about sex increases a person’s pain threshold.

The quote "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" was coined during a period.

So there you go boys – damned if you do and damned if you don’t. My advice? If both parties are in the mood but fainting or the idea of all that red stuff is an issue, do it with the lights out. You’ll never know the difference. Just watch out for the wallpaper. Boom Shanka!

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