17/05/06 Anal. Yup

A suggested topic for this column was “Take it like a Man” which I must confess I find to be desperately ironic. Not once in the number of considered responses Craccum writers posted this week was there even a whisker of any man “taking it”. Oh no. Apparently the prima facie definition of anal sex is “heterosexual male puts his erect penis through the anus and into the rectum of a heterosexual female (possibly while she has her period)”. Good lord. Such is the strength of this construct that men in some places who take it up the arse are considered to be gay even if the person performing the anal penetration in question is female. Now, don’t get me wrong – it’s not like I’m necessarily championing the practice of girl on guy fisting (although each to their own), but isn’t it interesting possums, that we’re wired up in such a predictably hetero/sexist way?

Taking a global view, anal sex is considered as an alternative to male-puts-erect-penis-into-female-vagina-sex in some catholic and Islamic cultures, and in the case of some virginity pledgers in the US. For the Christian contingent it represents a way of remaining a “technical virgin”, while for some in the Islamic world it’s a useful method of contraception. Doctrine on the matter varies of course and there are Christian and muslim thinkers who decry the practice, while others say it’s ok. Personal opinion on anal amongst people in these groups is, I’m sure, quite variable.

Sex studies, from Kinsey and Masters and Johnson, through to more recent stuff, suggest that about equal proportions of gay male and heterosexual couples have tried anal, and that lesbian couples also may indulge, using fingers or objects for the purpose of stimulation and penetration. Heterosexual men may also accept this kind of activity.

A working definition of anal sex for the politics of this column: the practice of stimulating or using the anus for the sexual pleasure of all or any of the people in a sexual encounter. It can be practiced by any person of any sexual orientation or gender identity with any other people of either. The receptive party has to have to have a butt-hole.

However, judging from lovely Craccum writers’ contributions, what most people want to know about is how to survive the penis meets female arse-hole experience without serious injury:

The first time I tried anal we were both in terrible pain. I pulled out to notice blood on my penis, and at first I thought I'd made my partner's anus bleed. Turns out my cock was bleeding because I'd torn the frenulum (for those students not at Med School, that's the skin attaching the penis to the foreskin). Needless to say, my conservative Catholic doctor turned pale as I explained my predicament to him. The moral of the story is: lubrication. Beer does not count as lubrication! After about two months of healing, we were ready to try again, and it's a bucketload of fun! So don't let this sad tale put you off.

Yep – lube. Bum-holes don’t make their own so you need to supply it if you want this to work. Pharmacies sell it, usually next to the condom section. I’d suggest one of the thicker formulas like Durex’s Play, but anything that isn’t oil or petroleum-based is probably fine. However spermacide is apparently not very good for the delicate membranes of the rectum either, so don’t switch it in for a proper lubricant – take the time to purchase the right equipment!

If you are going to do it here is some advice, speaking purely from a common sense point of view. It's best to go to the toilet before hand, have a shower, make sure it's all clean up there. The last thing you want is two brown handprints on the wall. Ha, did that put you off? Good. Prostitutes from days gone by used to use candles to stretch that area to accommodate varying sizes of men, they would start with small thin candles and work their way up to larger thicker candles. If you look at porn films, most of the girls have sizeable assholes, purely because they've had A LOT of traffic going through there. It'll make it less painful for you and more enjoyable for your man because you will be able to carry on, rather than stopping because you are in immense pain.

A quick survey of female adepts has confirmed my suspicion that warming the area up with lots of lube and a finger inserted first eliminates the need for candle practice. I’m sure the male arse-hole behaves in much the same way, although as I said before I’m not a personal expert. Condoms on fingers for the warm-up is advised. I’m not a fan of having a poo-y finger waved anywhere near my vulval area. Any woman who’s suffered through a (mind-grindingly itchy) bout of thrush will tell you why. And condoms for any penis meets butt-hole action are also useful; if something unspeakable does happen, you at least don’t get left with anything too tragic under the foreskin. Hygiene in this area is really important – make sure you keep mouths and vaginas away from anything that’s been in the asshole region. At the very least I’m reliably informed that (and it was an interesting conversation I can tell you) “the taste is terrible”.

You should note as well - regular condoms are not built for anal penetration. If you’re engaging in this sort of activity with someone you don’t know very well you should consider purchasing a thicker condom that’s designed especially for anus meets penis sex and is less likely to break. This is really important because the rectum is easily bruised and has lots of vascular tissue, so it’s very keen to absorb any diseases straight into your bloodstream from whatever sexual fluids are hanging around.

Anal sex is not for everyone:

I have no desire to put my penis into an arsehole. I think that anal sex has been glorified by porn and the Catholic Church, and that it sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant experience. I have heard arguments about being willing to try anything, and wanting to do it 'for him', but frankly, I don't see the point when there is a perfectly good vagina right there. I can understand anal sex in gay men, as the choice of orifices is limited, but in old fashioned women on man sex I don't quite see the point. A vagina self lubricates, it is soft, snug, and brings a woman more pleasure (and causes less pain). A rectum is not self lubricating, the lining is not fleshy and muscular, is more easily damaged, and furthermore, is covered in poos.

Modern pornography is a very artificial construct. Women don't really like semen on their faces and tits. I don't imagine that an enormous prosthetic penile piston plunging into a tight pink anus accompanied by squeals of delight and the obligatory "oh yeah I love feeling that huge cock inside my tight virgin ass" is anything like reality. Reality is probably more like pain, embarrassing noises, and poo. The attraction has been artificially instilled in society.

It’s true porn is a construct, it has its own narrative rules and can be viewed as a particular object from a visual culture perspective. Without having done an exhaustive survey, I wouldn’t advise treating anything you’ve seen on-screen (any screen) as being indicative of what a woman or a man would want in bed. You really have to do your homework on this one. If even the dirty bastards at Craccum are having Victorian fits over the idea of putting their penises where the sun don’t shine, it’s fairly safe to say this is not the most popular sex act on offer.

I think anal sex is probably overrated, it has been romanticised, turned into this great taboo, so guys lust after 'earning their brown wings'. My guess is, once they've done it, they probably won't want to again. The chances of something horrible happening are fairly high in that region. What's wrong with pussy anyways?

I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with pussy but not all sexual encounters have one available, and besides, a little variety can be very important even when there is. If anal sex is something you want to try, I’d advise suggesting it casually, but leaving yourself an out in case it’s going to give your partner conniptions. Apply no pressure. This is a personal choice, like all sex acts. If they’re up for it, warm up in all the usual ways, use lots of lube, get the ass-hole all ready with a finger first (maybe use a condom on the finger for hygiene and aesthetic reasons) and then if you want to go for penile or larger object penetration, lube up REALLY well, slip on a condom and demand a reach-around. Much less fun without.

A final word of caution – don’t push any fun object all the way into the rectum – reverse peristalsis could see it travelling towards the transverse colon faster than you think. And be careful in there – rough treatment can cause bleeding and worse.

Sextilla XVI: "The Rim Of Lucrece" 


I would thou hadst an open gate! 

Thy sunless passage I would conquer. 

Thy gap hath gaped too long a date 

For me, thy would-be rectal bonker. 

What though I know not tender words 

When all I seek's to cram thy turds?

by Sextilla the Hun

And finally - if the whole idea leaves you cold, for god’s sake leave it alone. Don’t allow yourself to be pestered into it by a pushy partner and don’t push yourself to try something you’re not comfortable about. For all my sick enthusiasm for period sex last week, I’d hate to think any of you were doing something you felt weird about.