This week’s column asks how does one get into a relationship in the name of better sex? Unsurprisingly Craccum contributors have, for the most part, been somewhat puzzled by the question, although some of that is my fault for not posing it earlier. On holiday, and engaged in a heady rush of sex, booze and rock ‘n’ roll I forgot to let them know till the last minute.
Now, strictly speaking, this is a sex advice column rather than a diatribe on relationships, but it behoves me to at least pose the concept of a relationship as a good place in which to practice the art of sex. Much as the sight of couples engaged in abandoned and public displays of affection generally gives me a protestant moment, I’ve never forgotten the time a very inebriated but nevertheless sincere boyfriend of a friend of mine leaned over the arm of his chair at a party and told me how “it just gets better”. I wasn’t drunk enough to probe for further details but like I said last week, knowing there’s going to be another chance to get it right can take the pressure off. Plus practicing is usually pretty fun, and liking or (dare I say) even loving the person you’re with is quite a motivating factor in the pursuit of skill. You want to give them a good time so you’ll be more willing to go the extra mile, and when they suggest that maid’s outfit or a stick-on moustache you won’t be as quick to dismiss the suggestion as the ravings of lunatic or 60s-style chauvinist.
So – some suggestions on how to attain the hallowed state of relationship..
"I can certainly extol the charms of the girlnextdoor. In a student
situation, the one cardinal sin is screwing the crew - an impulse that
looks fine at the time (and as Oscar Wilde once said, the best way to
beat a temptation is to surrender to it). You're out drinking with them, they're already going home with you. You’re comfortable under a duvet with them, and you know what all their knickers look like. But nothing seeds disharmony like it. Either it doesn't work out, and the flatting relationship
disintegrates into violence, or it does and the flat dynamic changes
to The Couple vs. everyone else. Far better is the girlnextdoor.
She's a known evil, you've seen her knickers on the line and probably
have friends in common. You get invited to their parties, and they to yours. And, if everything else fails there's always Andre 3000's old standby "Lend me some sugar, I *am* your neighbor".
This is obviously only going to work if you live in a flat in a fairly studently populated area like Grey Lynn, or if you’re in Railway Campus or International House. Unless you like someone older – which can be a great way to have better sex of course. As far as that goes, I’d advise leaving anyone who already has a partner out of it – nothing’s going to kill the mood like getting hauled off your chosen one by an angry executive – those heels are killers. And for those with neighbours in Auckland Girls’ uniforms – not a likely place to get good sex but at least keep it legal if you fall irretrievably. Additional ways to start a neighbourly interaction once you’ve spotted your target: go and ask if they’ve seen your cat, suggest car-pooling to campus, observe what time they leave for the bus and time your exits to match, try to engage them in conversation over the fence while hanging out your washing and find out which bars they like to go to, or even better – spot them at Shadows and get chatting. This might well lead on to taking a cab home or walking there together. At this point ask if you can call round the next day or later in the week, and then, having hinted at your intention to try a relationship rather than a one-night stand, head virtuously home to plan your next move.
"Tutorials are a good way to meet people you might have something in common with. They kind of limit your scope to geeks and brains because who else ever goes to tutorials, but if you’re in a tutorial you’re probably like that anyway. And at least you will have had the opportunity to talk to them and hear their opinions so you know if you like them or not, plus it’s always easy to suggest coffee after a tut."
The best thing about this approach is that if it doesn’t work out, you can get out of it by acting like you were just trying to make friends and no hard feelings. It’s the risk-free alternative. It could also potentially be extended to lectures if you don’t attend tuts – go up to the person you want to get to know better and ask if you can borrow their notes from last week because you missed class. This works best if you were actually away – if they’ve noticed you at all it and your cover is blown it’ll be red faces all round, and not in a good way.
We move now from the precise pick-your target approach to the “scatter-gun” technique:
"Sit on the Shadows balcony and eye up every guy/girl you find attractive. After weeks of constant attention, many of them will develop immense crushes on you, and some of them may even be vaguely normal. Don't go for the normal ones; they'll be lame in bed. Go for the attractive but unsettling types. They will cry out your name as they straddle you ecstatically, beating you about for the whole duration. Hot. They will often be great vegetarian cooks also; a distinct bonus if you wish to pursue a long-term affair."
Strictly for self-deluded vegetarians and those who like to be removed from the bar for stalking. If only it was that easy…..
"I have found that self-image reflects confidence, which reflects being comfortable with oneself, which reflects sexuality. Perhaps the key issue is to find a partner who is relaxed and reasonably comfortable with themselves. Being well informed of sexual practices probably will also help."
It’s true prep is important – you can’t have a really good relationship with someone if you feel shit about yourself, and having good sex under those circumstances is pretty damn difficult too. Plus you should put some thought into the sort of person you want to be with – there’s no good pursuing your target because they’re hot, and then finding out that they’re a crazed tropical-fish enthusiast with whom you have nothing in common except first-year physics on a Wednesday afternoon.
"Oh yeah, and love probably helps here too. Love was invented so that babies get made and looked after. That God guy was pretty clever."
Well, I vote for love but its purpose depends entirely on your point of view…
"Love was invented in the 17th Century in order to maintain and perpetuate a capitalist, bourgeois social order. God was invented in the pre-Christian era in order to maintain and perpetuate despotic feudalism."
"Cough* Wankers *Cough* Mmm, excuse me, got a bit of a cold."
These people should all have a nice chat over a coffee after Philosophy 207 and try and get to know each other better….
"Isn't asking Craccum contributors for relationship advice like asking eskimos for tips on growing pineapples?"
"Ha! So true. We're the worst."
"Speak for yourselves. I have horrible difficulty staying single. I'm terrible at it."
"I think that a good old-fashioned orgy up at the Craccum offices will sort everyone out"
Look – with the right training I’m sure an Eskimo Innuit in fact, could give impressive tips for growing pineapples. Humans are nothing if not adaptable. As far as the orgy I’ll leave it to Ryan to set the date. And as far as a relationship goes – take your Auntie Kandy’s advice and don’t try and get to know anyone better while you’re swopping keys wihttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifth them.
Next week, and on a completely different note: The brazilian wax – to have or not to have – that is the question. Send your comments to:
auntiekandy@gmail.com
K
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment