Unsurprisingly Craccum staffers are better at telling people to fuck off than they are at getting them to come on up, and the resulting plethora of dubious information shall be yours for the reading. But most excitingly - this week gentle readers, we also have our inaugural contribution from one of you. All hail the Baronet.
Reading between the lines, I get the feeling contributors have divided the desperate and dateless into male and female categories and applied different rules for both, residing almost entirely in a heterosexual universe. Which is not surprising. I’ve divided the advice accordingly.
Let us begin:
"If a guy has the idea that you or your friend is available they can be really hard to get rid of - usually the only thing to do is leave when they're not looking because telling them to fuck off just seems to make them keener. If he's nice but clueless, take your friend and say you're going to the loo, then take the nearest exit. If he's a total asshole ask him to get you a drink and then leave before he gets back. This only works if you get out without being spotted."
Yes folks, it’s the coward’s way out, but after two nasty hours trying to shake off an escapee from the Marist rugby club who introduced himself as “humpy”, one dire evening in Invercargill, I can only say, well, discretion truly is the better part of valour. Of course it’s also worth remembering the following piece of advice:
"Sometimes guys will buy girls drinks and not stalk them for the rest of the night. Learning to separate the random acts of kindness from the date-rapists and the skull-fuckers can be difficult; but by no means should a girl chastise any guy who offers to shout them a drink."
Yeah – this is a tricky one. There are no random acts of kindness. If you don’t like the look of someone who offers you a drink – bloody say no – and thin-skinned dudes should note – this doesn’t constitute “chastising”. Accepting a drink means at least giving the buyer the time of day while you drink it - and thin-skinned chicks note – this doesn’t constitute “being stalked”. If stalkage does occur in the hours that follow the drink and the world’s most boring conversation that accompanied it, take the advice in the para above.
"Text all the time. When asked who you're texting, women should reply "boyfriend". Guys should reply "Mum".
This works like a charm although guys should note: while Sharon-Stone-in-Basic-Instinct-styles women will be repelled by your warm relationship with your mother, most geeky stalker girls would be more scared off if you invented a 6-foot blonde girlfriend who’s doing an honours degree in physics and plays guitar in a band. They might however, construe your mother as someone they could rescue you from….you’ll have to make a judgement call as to who you’re dealing with.
"My solution is similar to the above solution: When sharing stories and/or witty anecdotes with the group you are sitting with (where desperate and dateless is also present) make sure to mention that time you did this and that with your "boyfriend" or "girlfriend", i.e. "Oh, yeah, my boyfriend and I went there, we loved it". It very quickly puts them off. Make sure you mention your other half (even if it is a total lie) early on in the situation to avoid uncomfortable "attention".
If hints are your thing, the Baronet has suggested:
"Being as arrogant or snobbish as possible. In the event that you don't want to have sex this ought to be rather easy really, after all not wanting sex with some random gives you the automatic edge. Basically one makes a point of being a snob, after all guys are so insanely nervous about girls as it is ( to be fair girls dont give guys an inch to work with) but one can always make more of a deterrent, i.e. looking down ones nose with a raised chin. Only problem is you seem to be a bitch, though some nights thats just more fun."
Girls who seem unapproachable get less action. It’s certifiable. If you begin the evening this way you’ll have no trouble.
"Having the ever-useful Gay friend. Most gay guys love playing the "boyfriend" when a girl mate is in trouble, thus it is highly recommended that a girl find herself a gay mate, and ask him to keep watch for the evening."
The beauty of this trick is that it doesn’t have to be a gay guy. Take along some straight friends or friend of the opposite sex and the effect is exactly the same. I’ve sometimes used ex-boyfriends for the same purpose. No dramas and in their case I’m guaranteed a good conversation.
"Stick in a group."
The gazelles are harder to single out this way.
Craccum staffers continue with some more active suggestions:
"Say "I'm in the ACT Party." If that doesn't get rid of someone, nothing will."
Yup
"Regale them with false tales of your existence as a P addict. Shout loudly, and semi-coherently, about how the CIA, the SIS and "that Clark bitch" are watching you from satellites in outer space. Mention that you don't sleep because that's when the police will place listening devices behind your eyeballs. If you're smart, you can link the satellites and eyeballs together in one stream-of-consciousness rant: "Eyeballs... look like golf balls... look like that shit at Waihopai... Eyeball...golf ball... Waihopai!"
Exhausting but extremely effective. If you ever might want to get laid with anyone from Shadows at any point in your undergraduate degree this is not recommended.
"Ask if they are for or against the decriminalisation of Skull-fucking and anal-skullduggery. (And/or necrophilia/beastiality??)"
This might have the opposite effect to what you’re intending. I wouldn’t make the assumption.
"Sean Kinsler Sean Kinsler Sean Kinsler Sean Kinsler Sean Kinsler Sean Kinsler Sean Kinsler Sean Kinsler ………"
"Once, twice, three times a Sproully."
Now that’s just unkind…..and I’ve already said that no one is beyond help.
"If all else fails, keep a small family of mongooses in your handbag. If your 'casanova' fails to get the message that you simply aren't interested, slip some of the aforementioned mongii into his pocket, trouser-leg or codpiece. Nature will take its course and the circle of life (and genital mutilation) rolls on."
This is not going to be possible unless you’re in a pub in Africa (think about it). And even if you substitute a ferret, that much phallic action might well be misconstrued. Ignoring someone is better than giving them this much attention.
"This isn't really related, but how hot would it be to screw someone while both you and they are wearing plastic Dan Bidois face masks?"
"In answer to the above question: I would rather eat my own weight in vomit."
"Have you heard the good news about Jesus?"
Some people really don’t need my advice, do they? For fans of the Superstar himself (and other people of faith), I have to say, I admire your fortitude in the face of sometime social derision and the privations of good behaviour, even if I can’t share your beliefs.
Remember the bottom line for everyone – if you don’t think sexy stuff is a good idea, for whatever reason, then for god’s sake, run in the other direction.
Next week: we’ll be addressing some of your health and safety questions and pondering “virginity – to be or not to be”. Anyone who has a comment or query:
auntiekandy@gmail.com
Be warned – I’ll edit you and then Mr Sproull will edit me, so any comments might not be published in full.
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