Ok, maybe last week I was on a crusade. Maybe I still am. Foreplay possums - an end in itself, but also a great arena for having a good time without too many of the complications of contraception, conception or disease prevention. This week we present tips and tricks from readers, from Craccum staff and from random students at Otago University, who have plumbed the depths of their own locked and loaded experiences in the deep (but not uncomfortably so) south.
To set the mood here’s a few tips:
"The best time for foreplay for me was in high-school. I had a few boyfriends from fifteen on, and I had a good time. Tthere wasn’t the same inevitability about actually having sex, so there was more of a focus on getting the fooling around part to work. My favourite thing was getting oral and the person putting a finger into my twat at the same time. I still really like this option now that I’m actually having sex. I also really like giving hand-jobs cos they’re much easier to do than blow-jobs and I really like watching the person I’m with getting off. That makes me seriously horny."
….get a little more advanced…..time for some show and tell:
"Foreplay is about pleasing and pleasuring your partner, getting them wet/hard and ready for a good lovemaking session. The best way to ensure that you have pleasurable foreplay is to learn what your partner likes and how they like it. No one knows how to pleasure themselves quite like, well.....themselves really, so if you want to learn how to push their buttons to the maximum effect get them to masturbate in front of you. Watch how they stroke, at what pace, any particular flicks of the wrist or finger, how they hold/stroke it. When giving them a blowjob/handjob/going down on them/finger-fucking try to re-create what you saw."
If the thought of delivering a floorshow is just a bit on the porn-star side for your delicate sensibilities skip that part. Ve haf vays of making you talk……
" don't be afraid to ask them, "Does that feel good?", or "How do you want me to suck your dick/lick your pussy". Don't be afraid to use explicit language, it'll get you in the mood. Bad foreplay and bad sex are often caused by lack of communication. People lie there 'putting up' with something that isn't doing it for them out of fear of hurting their partners feelings. If you learn how to go about it the right way you will be able to ask for anything or tell them exactly how you want to be pleasured. Girls: If he's lapping at it like a dog at it's bowl and it's just not working for you, tell him in your most sexy voice, "Ooh, flick your tounge harder on my clit" or "INSERT WHATEVER TURNS YOU ON HERE". Guys: If she's licking it like an icecream when you really want her to suck it like a vacum cleaner, tell her, "Ooh yeah, really suck hard on it, give it some pressure". Never EVER use negative words in bed, like, "Hmm, that doesn't feel too good, could you try.....", It'll just upset them and kill the mood. Let your partner know you are enjoying it and encourage them to try new techniques."
Communication has to be the key to getting off. If you’re so rigid with embarrassment you really can’t talk at all, you can try the time-honoured indirect technique of moaning and moving when it’s working and shutting up and going still when it sucks. If this is you, however let me say - I’ve lain underneath various lotharios thinking “I don’t even know what to suggest this is so crap” and consequently saying nothing while acting like the proverbial sack of spuds, which was mmm-mmm appealing for everyone concerned. Direct communication is the most reliable way to have a good time, but you can work up to it. Practising with someone you like and respect instead of some grogan from the floor at closing time has its advantages. Truly, my experiences of utterly passionless foreplay with virtual strangers have lead me towards the virtues of sex in a relationship where you get to practise techniques continuously for longer periods with less pressure to perform perfectly each time.
And if you do have the chance to practice – why not try some tricks??
"Wrap your guy's dick in tinfoil and wrap your lips/mouth around it, hum gently.
(Does this work for Gladwrap too?)
No, it doesn't."
Possums, should you add this to your foreplay repetoire, I’d watch your fillings – remember how nasty a foil-meets-filling experience can be. Not that you should be using your teeth of course.
Last week’s Lothario appears to be back with the following:
"All foreplay begins with ambience. A romantic setting, perhaps some candles, Kenny G on the stereo -- the seduction must begin hours before the sex. Personally, I suggest that you decorate your boudoir with both phallic and yonic imagery. Large photographs of skyscrapers, contrasted with paintings of butterflies, will suggest a sophisticated contrast between a built and natural world; this will give you an air of sophistication in home decoration, and at the same time operate suggestively on the unconscious mind….."
An ex and I once discussed what might be a deal-breaker at the point where you enter your partner’s room for the first time. His was a hard-cover first edition of The Da vinci Code. Mine was, well. Kenny G on the CD rack. I’ve also never responded particularly well to the idea that women are more closely related to the natural world, since this smacks of Hellenistic misogyny. Get with the programme. How about something more up-to-date, like Eminem or a Pirelli Calendar? Nothing gets me more in the mood than a guy on the stereo ranting about killing his ex or potential comparisons with unrealistically attractive women.
" …..Also, musical instruments have long been associated with sexuality in the Western imagination, and should play some role in getting things going. This can be done through decorations -- a nice picture of an electric guitar will provide the perfect phallic object."
It’s true - guitars have it, if you can play them (I did entertain a brief career as groupie once and I blame it all on the guitars). Of course guitars that sit there looking guitar-y aren’t sexy. It’s not the guitar – it’s the skill that counts.
"I keep a cor anglais in my bedroom. Does this look boastful?"
No – just geeky. Sometimes a member of the oboe family is just a member of the oboe family.
"Don't play them Dream Theater. Or Mars Volta."
I’ve conferred about this and the consensus was that the Mars Volta might work on the right partner. However, it could well be a deal-breaker for anyone else…
"Yes, Anglican hymns are much more appropriate. Nothing will get her going like a stirring rendition of Abide In Me, O Lord."
Deal-BREAKER
"For shits sakes, you people are supposed to be helping these poor sods, not ruining their love lives!
Reply: My love life is stillborn. I am only trying to ruin other people's love lives out of resentment. Hate me. Everyone else does."
Self-pity is desperately unsexy and should make no part of foreplay. Try liking yourself and the person you’re with – you’ll have a much better time.
Since I’ve been extolling the virtues of sex with someone you know this week, next week’s blog will be devoted to the invidious practice of finding someone to have a relationship with. You’re all invited to email me with stories of how you hooked up with someone who isn’t that crap, in the sack or otherwise:
auntiekandy@gmail.com
K
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