08/03/06 Getting laid - a time honoured scarfie pursuit

Well my little smurfs, I imagine you’ve been having a week of it, orgiastic or otherwise. Craccum staff have been predictably unforthcoming on the how-to-get-laid advice but don’t worry, that says more about them than it does about you. Nevertheless and on reflection, what’s been put forward has provided a number of useful launching points for further comment. I’ve also awarded myself the better-late-than-never-prize for realising that advice for not-getting-laid is going to be just as pertinent. Due to lack of space, this will be addressed next week.

Let’s start with the obvious

“nothing beats getting fuckin drunk. Someone will eventually decide to take advantage, especially if they've already met you. (added note: Beware the 'Fosters Flop', as the Australians call it. Beer is great for confidence, but not too useful in terms of...blood pressure.)”

Before you reject this suggestion as a terrible and unsupportable cliché on every conceivable level (which it is), I must point out that no matter how old, rich or thin you are, if you live in New Zealand and are an adult, alcohol consumption in social situations is not only how most of you will find yourselves in the arms of odd-smelling strangers in doorways with an audience of joggers and rubbish collectors. No no – this is the way a significant proportion of you will start relationships. Now, to me, the “drink yourself available” technique is symptomatic of everything from our positively Victorian conservatism in regard to sex through to our fab-tastic choke at the last world cup (whadddarya etc), but such an over-arching script cannot be re-written by individuals. When in Rome, you do what those Romans do, but since you’re in New Zealand, skip the roses and head straight for the bar.

A word of caution – there’s zero excuse for someone taking literal advantage of you if you’ve quaffed yourself into a stupour. However this doesn’t mean it isn’t going to happen. And furthermore, if I had a dollar for every time I woke up thinking “Well, that’s the last time I pash that (insert suitably unsuitable person)”, whilst simultaneously realising they’re there in the bed next to me, frankly I could live off the interest. In your efforts to scratch that itch, spare an occasional thought for the morning after….

And the foster’s flop is all too true, for those of you with penises. A basic rule of thumb - if you’re trying to get some action in the sack, limit the action on your arm (actually that works in more ways that one….).

“Never be afraid to delve into the depths of homo-eroticism to impress a woman. Or a bloke.”

All I’ll say in relation to this is that it gets me every time. In the absence of a survey to test general effectiveness, two rounds of anecdotal evidence would suggest it might be a go. Use with caution.

“Don't be the guy who pissed in the sink in the blokes bathroom at Shadows on tuesday night during O-week.”

Sadly, the only people who would’ve been forwarned here are the other guys in the queue. Was it tiny I wonder? In any case I’d assume the statistical chances of scoring from the loo-queue are limited to a potential 10%, according to most current counts of sexual orientation. Of course that depends on what the queue is like in the ladies and whether any (ahem) overflow of busting chicks has reached the gents. Just remember – the size it is while wizzing bears no statistical relationship to the size it is while excited.

“If you really want to put someone off wanting to sleep with you, introduce yourself as Ryan Sproull. Particularly effective when utilised by women.”

Now it’s true that Ryan is rumoured to be absolute rubbish in the sack, but there’s simply no reason to assume that anyone is beyond help, particularly if they want to learn. I hold out much hope for young Ryan. I think he’s a good keen man, and has much potential, particularly if he heeds his Auntie Kandy’s words of wisdom. As all of you should too.

Those of you who view the whole prospect of sex with strangers as suitably absurd can write me your comments for next week when I’ll deal with how to avoid the desperate and dateless.

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Auntiekandy@gmail.com