Wednesday, April 05, 2006

28/02/06 Sex with Auntie Kandy (and friends) begins

In what I promise will be the first of many, no doubt, enlightening chats, I’d like to announce the advent of Sex with Auntie Kandy (and friends). Auntie Kandy being me. This blog is the electronic version of a column that appears weekly in New Zealand's Auckland University student magazine Craccum.

Gentle reader, I hear you asking what relationship could an agony aunt possibly have to sex? Well, frankly, I’m old and I’ve had some. With that in mind let me point out that if sex is agony you’re either extremely advanced or extremely inexperienced. And since Sex with Aunty Candy aims to meet the needs of all readers, whatever kind of category they fall into, I think you should consider the possibilities inherent in reserving that oral apparatus for something besides speaking. Besides, in this column you can let your fingers do the talking - make a comment. You know you want to.

The deal is this: any queries and comments will be posted at Craccum and staffers will all throw their variously puerile and perverted hats in the ring in response. My role in this brave, new and fortunately certifiably anonymous environment is to point out when things are illegal, impractical, biologically impossible, or, far more importantly, unlikely to lead to a good time. Where the extent of my not-inconsiderable expertise is exceeded by your shenanigans or vast, hormonal tide of unfulfilled and perverse desires, I also have a bevy of nymph-like and satyresque know-and-tell-alls on standby. Basically, no matter what the matter, we’ll get you there.

In honour of what has been a hot and brutally bikini-waxed summer, we at Craccum present this week’s topic: Sex in the outdoors. Thoughtful staffers have suggested a number of ways to get it on while you’re out and about.

With consideration you can avoid physical or emotional damage:
"If you're shy and feel the need to use some kind of outdoor blanket for covering, choose carefully. Scratchy fabrics can really kill a mood."
"be sure to clear the area of pine cones before you throw your lover to the forest floor. Nothing softens the moment like a pinecone up the freckle.” I’d also suggest choosing a non-coniferous forest (call me old-fashioned).

Of course forests in New Zealand during the summer months can pose more serious problems than a simple cone meets freckle situation:
“if you're in the forest, wear fluorescent vests. No-one wants a Dick Cheney-type incident to occur.” And “make sure to keep all noise natural, animal imitation is a must. Remember that your animal noises may in fact attract animals who wish to mate. This is dealt with in different ways, which depend on your level of open-mindedness.” While time simply doesn’t permit me to research the kind of penalties associated with bestiality, you would be well-advised to do so before venturing into the wild.

Craccum staffers are extremely safety conscious girls and boys. They have variously suggested avoiding doggy-style at the beach because of uneven weight distribution “which will cause shells and sharp rocks to cut your skin with heavy thrusting” and reminded you to wear sunblock – “you think that sunburn you got on your arm last year was bad...”. Naturally, waiting till after dark is a possibility here, but there are a number of reasons why you might prefer not to. See below. With health and safety in mind diabetics should note: “stopping halfway for a peanut butter sandwich is very, very sexy. And nutritious!”

Personally I go for the more conservative option – a nicely groomed lawn. Putting greens work well, although I’d definitely wait till after dark, sunburn aside – getting knocked unconscious by a golf ball is only sexy if you’re Steve-o or your partner has secret necrophiliac desires. If you’re of the female persuasion you can get lots of good leverage off a lawn or green whatever position you pick, although anyone with allergies should make it a quickie cause things *will* start to itch. Actually that probably applies to just about every sexual act in the outdoors during high summer.

Finally two suggestions: “shortish skirts and removed underwear + unzipped fly = you can sit on a park bench, girl straddling guy with her legs wrapped around him, looking basically ambiguous. This is if you're concerned about being seen. Alternatively, short skirt/removed underwear plus up against a tree or wall... recipient facing tree or wall... works just fine, though with the potential for lower-back pain.”

Anyone concerned about the dignity aspect of the sex equation should consider themselves forewarned that the first position suggested in the above para is about as ambiguous as a blob of semen in the eye. Happily the second position is great for a reach-around and arguably much easier to get out of in a hurry. Maybe it was just a hug?? Who’s to say.

A further word of caution, which is, after all, what I’m here for: should anyone get really riled about your outdoor activities there’s slim possibility you could be done for indecent exposure. Limiting genital contact to locations where there’s no one else around is the safest option but if being watched or the possibility that you might get caught is what you’re really in it for, now you at least know what you’re up against. It’s a tree in the Domain next to the road at midday and there’s nothing more to be said.

Next week we want to share our top tips for getting some action during O-week. Just because beer-consumption on campus has slowed fractionally doesn’t mean those opportunities have passed. If you have a story to share unleash your advice on an unsuspecting fresher community. You know you want to.

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